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Fiver on Concrete
The green five spot lay soaking in the tiny rushing river left behind by the morning's storm, anchored by orange, dead leaves. From his brown canvas satchel, Spencer produced a permanent marking pen and gathered the bill from the murky water and dried it on the leg of his jeans. In red letters across Lincoln's collar, he scribbled the name 'Ernest,' a name he had chosen arbitrarily from the morning edition. Ernest Cusack was a sports reporter and the staff photo which accompanied his byline, a photo of a fat-faced, red-haired Irishman with sad eyes and a forced smile, looked to Spencer like a man who needed a beer. Five dollars ought to cover a pint. He returned the damp bill to the ground, this time anchoring it to the sidewalk with a small stone. 'Can't have you blowing away before Ernest finds you, now can we?' he asked the bill and strolled away, returing the marker to its assigned space in the satchel.
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2007-10-16 16:44
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Hello. I like the writing, for the most part, of this little sketch. Only thing is, don't wanna sound harsh, but by the end of it, I didn't get a whole lot from the piece. That's not to say there isn't potential for something grander, but as is, I don't think this can do much as a stand-alone story. Perhaps expand on it? Or maybe change the title to give it a little more insight into story?
First sentence: don't think you need 'green' - if we know what a five spot is, we know what color it is - they only come in one.
happy writings. |
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| Interesting Karma / pay-it-forward approach. I did not see the ending coming where our hero places the fiver back where he found it. Nice turn. :) |
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At first, I thought maybe he was a guy with a weird sense of humor that just enjoyed writing random names on money. For such a quickie tale, it has an overabundance of impact. Great job!
~Jezzy |
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Comment by: jesscat - 2007-05-30 11:57
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I love it! It is such a cute story and I love its short and sweet character.
I got confused with the first sentance, mainly with the phrase "the green five spot" I don't know if that confused anybody else or if I'm just dense...
I also agree with the idea of putting it in three paragraphs. If I were to suggest anything else, it would be to split the last sentance into two. Maybe you could end it after he says, "Can??t have you blowing away before Ernest finds you, now can we?? You could leave off the end, or you could put a new sentance at the end that says roughly, "he returned his marker... and strolled away"
hope that helps! I think you are an amazing writer |
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Comment by: LonnieP - 2007-05-29 13:21
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BAH!! The first sentence is fine, girl; don't change a word! You may, however, want to look at the conjunction use in the second sentence. Maybe say instead: ". . . and gathered the bill from the murky water, drying it on the leg of his jeans." It smoothes out the sentence's flow a bit, no?
Nice little flash here of a character that sardonically buys someone a beer that is never going to get the beer and does it with someone else's money. |
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