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We multiply
develop our master disguise
and so we die
in the blink of an eye
it is the way of life
the world keeps turning ´round
while we´re forgetting
what it's all about
we seperate ourselves
believe the lie we tell
that we´re not to blame
for our situation today
we declare war upon each other
but we're never able to discover
that the bombs we drop
fall on us all
we vanish like a tear in the sea
and forgetting that only we
can make this life worth living for
or to Earth we´ll come back forever more
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I like the tone and word choice here, but your rhythm bothers me. For instance, in the first stanza I would get rid of "all" and just write "in the blink of an eye." And in the third stanza I would write "believe" rather than "believing."
I like your fourth stanza the best in terms of meaning. Great insight. Though I would write it "that the bombs we drop/fall down on us all." Just a suggestion.
i never really been much for this ryming poem thing, but the underlaying meaning, the message and the tone of this piece weights that up.
but other than the rhymes its pretti great
