News from St. Barnabas Chalfont...

Can I just say how grateful I am to the wonderful folk at Spoiled Ink for their missives of sympathy and hope to all of us here at St. Barnabas.

As some of you may be aware, the parish of St Barnabas Chalfont has suffered a number of misfortunes over the summer. Not only did we see the sad passing of Lord Clitheroe's butler Simpkins in June when he slipped on a live turbot and fractured his skull, but also an explosion during the annual summer fete, which has not only undermined the spirits of our congregation, but also the foundations of the vestry. Indeed, I and my inestimable acolyte Gorgoroth have been forced to use the cricket hut across the road to don our eucharistic vestments in preparation for the Sunday service.

The story behind the explosion is curious, to say the least. As part of our usual festival calendar we displayed the reliquary during the summer fete. This of course included the bringing forth of our star attraction, the Holy Casque of St Barnabas Chalfont, a mighty relic held by previous incumbents to be the headgear worn by our illustrious namesake during the Great Seige of Antioch in 1097.

Unfortunately, it seems that this year we located the reliquary rather too close to the coconut shy, and a rowdy group of youths from the village managed to upset the Holy Item from it's velvet perch alongside the Holy Stool of St Simeon, whereupon it fell to the ground and rolled into the guttering alongside the sacristy. Coming to rest there, it emitted a great fizzing sound, then a noise which sounded like the hooves of Beelzebub himself.

Taking this to be a divine message about the sin of frivolity, the assembled laity dispersed in short order. But not before witnessing the collapse of the outer wall of the vestry, revealing Mr.Codds the gardner and one of the barmaids from the Queen's Legs performing what Codds later described as a 'rustic folk dance'.

Further disturbances were prevented by the arrival of a squad from the Widdecombe constabulary, who after a short investigation declared the Holy Casque of St. Barnabas Chalfont to be not an item of 11th Century ecumenical battle garb, but the major portion of an unexploded anti-aircraft shell dated no later than 1945! After some sheepish mumbling, Mr. Codds admitted that the whole Casque story had been concocted prior to my ordination in the parish. It seems that on a visit to St. Barnabas, a short sighted bishop had been confused by the previous incumbent's mania for war memorabilia and had accidentally made the offending item a grade II relic. Those parishoners in the know stuck with the story to avoid embarrassment, unaware that the thing had never been properly defused.

Still, these things are sent to try us, and life has now returned to at least some semblance of normality in St Barnabas Chalfont. Though it will be some months before the damaged parts of the church are rebuilt, and Gorgoroth and I will continue to require wellington boots beneath our surplices, things, it seems, are on the up. On that note, I'd like to inform all members of the Lower Widdecombe Pensioners Reading Group that we will be resuming our literary discussions from next Tuesday, 7.30pm sharp. The set text will be Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad.

Bless you all!
Rev. Matilda Hummock.

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