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Worlds
I feel myself slip
Sliding further away
Getting away from myself
And crashing back into your world
I try to stop
Lose my step
Then there you are
And your words snap me back to my world
And out of yours
And I'm reminded
I'll never be your perfect little girl
My efforts are never enough
So now I stop trying
Today I got a glimmer of hope
That maybe you're starting to understand
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Comment by: sudipal - 2007-05-29 08:44
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| wow. beautifully written. I like the alliteration and diction. |
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| I loved it the message is the one all people try to get though |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2006-12-18 21:48
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The message in the poem is clear, really hits the reader in the last line of the second stanza. Unfortunately, what is gained in clarity is lost in overall imagery. That old adage of "show don't tell" pops up in my mind when I read this.
The first stanza has some solid images and words with 'slip', 'slide', and 'crash', but it also feels distracting with the repetition of 'away' and the uncertainty of the word 'world'. It's a cliche that isn't built upon and the reader has no idea what this world looks or feels or smells like and we don't know whether or not it is a good place to be.
I think the seconds stanza is your best here, with an off/rhyme that doesn't feel forced and an effective line arrangement that visually connects the reader to the poem. But the two worlds seems confusing in this stanza, too. The first has the voice of the poem crashing back into 'your world', but the second stanza has the voice 'snapped' back into his/her own world and out of the 'yours' again. Which one does the voice want to be in? Feels unclear.
The last stanza falls a little flat. There aren't any really strong images. Line by line there's 'effort' and 'trying', but what are the actions taken? Ignoring phone calls, standing up for oneself, joining the circus, inventing a machine that controls weather and permanently envelops the voice in a silvery patch of fog? Feels like there should be more. And what's that glimmer, why the feeling of understanding all of a sudden? What happened?
It feels like there's a lot to this poem and there is definitely a message in it, but it isn't very strong yet. Some more vivid imagery would really build it all up, I think. Keep writing and your words will get concrete and stimulating to the senses. |
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| Like this a lot, and it reminds me of some of my own work. It's got a really universal message behind it. |
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| Yeah, fedav, I did mean that. Thanks! |
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