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Dawn on wet sheets (pennycandystore)
the moon a mono
chalky sweet, stewing in its fading pith;
the trees fat fingers,
chub-ringed, licked by grubbing greedy kids;
the rising glow is
forging puddles of glancing rain & dew;
the dawning daytime scrolls behind us,
blue with luminol,
& startled by earth's waking wetness,
we trip into it all
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Comment by: Jorbian - 2008-05-14 21:56
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| This is the kind of stuff that I love to read and write. It is amazing. Thank you for treating us to it. |
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Comment by: Harmonica Online- 2007-12-14 08:21
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| Abstract, dream-like, beautiful! This poem is awesome |
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| When I read this poem I fell into it and found myself feeling its dampness and seeing the beautifil imagery you conjure up with your clever use of words and descriptions. |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2007-05-16 17:16
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I too love the imagery. I say it for your other poem & I say again here, there is a very surrealistic quality to your writing. The words create visuals that melt in my mind's eye.
"chalky sweet, stewing in its fading pith;" - never seen the moon's nightly journey quite described like this before, brilliant here.
"the trees fat fingers,
chub-ringed, licked by grubbing greedy kids" - just, wow. So visual.
"we trip into it all" - a great finish. For me, it is double as the 'trippiness' of all these visuals, as well as the fact that we literally stumble into all this beauty sometimes, especially in the wee mornings. A great write, and wonderfully hypnotic poem. Pleasure to read.
Happy Writings. |
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Comment by: Valerie - 2007-05-11 16:45
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You have great imagery, and herein lies a poem, but my darling, you begin four verses with "the," and there is too much punctuation. This is just a suggestion, and that is to change the format somewhat to avoid all the punctuation that makes the poem look busy. Please feel free to ignore, but this is how I envision the poem
the moon a mono
chalky sweet
stewing in its fading pith
fat-fingered trees
chub ringed
licked by grubbing
greedy kids
the rising glow
forging puddles
of glancing rain and dew
As day scrolls behind us
blue with luminol
and startled by earth's
waking wetness
we trip it all
I would remove the ampersands, they don't belong here with your beautiful words.
Cheers! |
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