 |
 |
 |
| |
Times Square sketch
This sketch
Uninspired, cold, forced art
Work of a roadside wannabe.
This image
The only attestation
Of the past, of you and I.
Loving caress
The face which is you,
But nothing alike.
Your eyes- depthless pools of kindness,
Your lips- slender, guileless cushions,
Never captured,
Missed in this cellulosic immortalization
By a flaky artist.
This my only reminder.
You loved me once, whole so pure,
I hurt you,
So much, too much to endure.
Hate, disgust and vile
Now you feel.
It is all I feel
When I see her.
Young and beautiful
Everything you deserve
Sweet and gentle.
Violent, bloody rage,
One quick swipe,
The half with my face slides to the floor.
Salty moisture blinded eyes shut.
Stay shut.
Two quick swipes,
One wrist each,
Warm, brownish-red, first gushes
And then slowly streams.
Crashing sideways onto the carpet,
Bleeding hands pulled close to my chest
The heart, where it hurts the most,
I watch holding your half,
Watch the rapid stain your face.
Voices outside the door
Don't come in, please don't,
I deserve this, I need this...
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: U.V.RAY - 2007-01-22 00:35
|
|
| I think the second stanza is a little weak in comparison to the other two since it is more obvious and uses more direct language. I really love the first and third though. Very creative and thought provoking terminology. |
|
|
Don't come in, please don't, I deserve this,
No but I do, it read much better, also interesting reading the first sometimes two word in each
line, next time your looking for inspiration, think you will find a couple more good works, lurking there. |
|
|
| Excellent points Logicustracticus, all taken! Thanks! |
 |
Comment by: Jewels Online- 2006-12-18 18:15
|
|
| Each time I read one of your poems veena I feel that I am watching someone who is becoming less afraid and growing more and more. The passion of them is poignant. I particularly like the way you really contrast tenderness here with raw reality and painful emotions ~and the feelings of wanting that are left hanging in the last lines are haunting. |
|
|
Still room to tighten this by removing a few of the smaller words and in doing so aid flow from one line to the next feel free to ignore.
i:e
Of the past, of you and I
Lovingly caress
(I'd probably lose second you as well)
You loved me once, whole so pure,
I hurt you,
(Think if you swapped round the Sweet and Gentle would give more impact to the violent, also lose the and before then slowly as not needed) altogether though a interesting work, part of the series I presume, with the wait(weight) perhaps more apt given the content and stimulus. |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
