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Outside this eggshell
The wet earth is cool
A sun breathes warm hums
A tree stands guard
Earth worms tickle the ground
As I curl here
Fish surface to peek
Someone calls softly
I feel her smile
She tells me
Set yourself free
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I agree with Denise about the opening line. If the first two lines were switched, it would make so much more of an impact on the reader. Even without the switch, it was a moving, gentle poem. It makes me want to read much more! I like your style.
Hi Denise, you do have a point about that line. Reading it again and again though I realized I wrote the sentences as they are for a reason. The first to show where we are and the last, where we want to be.
It's great to see you comment on one of my works. I'll remember that last comment when I write my next one. It does make sense. ;) Thank you!
Maybe just me- but I would like the first line to be - 'the wet earth is cool'
Outside this eggshell is not as powerful of a line to me.
This is a beautiful poem- I think you are at your best when you let your heart speak - i feel like I can tell which poems you didn't get in the way of- if that makes sense. d
