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adarkvision
Erik Duarte
United States, IL, Chicago

Words: 431
Access: Public
Comments: 3

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"A Moment Of Clarity"

The chirps of a robin calling its' kin are the sounds that resonate among a sublimed vibe that this morning brings forth. A sheet of lavender caresses every crevice of my skin, to lie motionless. The vibrant colors of sunrise along with the aroma of eggs and her departure evoke my senses to take notice. Last night was quite the night. I open my eyes in a prolonged manner as to compliment the very pupil that takes in the alluring scenery of bliss. It's in a mere blink, a mere blink that I find myself engulfed by a field of white carnations. To try, I try to scream but it appears as though my voice has left me, vacant of hope. A pair of vintage WWII dog tags worn around my neck is the closest to hope that I've got, they were given to me by my grandfather on his death bed before he passed years ago. I fall into what seems to be an illimitable well of dark. It feels like the deeper I fall, the lighter I become, to the point of complete stillness. What once was is no longer. What now is, most importantly, where is now? Despite the absence of all feeling, it is with a slight turn of my head that I become aware of the fact that I am no longer falling but sitting, sitting on what feels like a cold concrete slab. Suddenly, I hear a distant hum.... It draws near by the minute. Could it be? Could someone have found me? The hum soon amplifies into the loudest blare ever heard. [One can equate the violent blare to sticking your head in the roaring jet engine of a 747.] The violent blare gets louder, until finally'¦complete silence. Shortly after, the ground below me begins to pulsate rhythmically. I regain all feeling in my body and begin to dig into the ground with my bare hands. Much like a dog digging for a bone I dig for an escape of some sort, and yet I fail to tire. I continue to dig until I finally hit a door. Of all things, I've never been happier to see a door before in my life. Just I was beginning to taste victory, the door below me opens. I black out while falling thousands of feet to the earth's ground, to awake at the scene of a horrific car accident. An array of limbs, flesh and shards of metal adorn the pavement as I stumble across my grandfather's dog tags.

© Erik Duarte 2006

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Comments  
NaturalDisaster Comment by: NaturalDisaster - 2008-10-29 17:23
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What...the hell?... It started out so soothing and blissful and I as I read on I became gradually more uneasy till the discomfort and sheer panic of what was about to happen turned into pure peril. I found my jaw dropped in the end and mislead onto a path of twist in turns I wasn't happy about stumbling onto. Your writing envokes a tremendous amount of emotion.
PANDORA Comment by: PANDORA - 2006-12-12 22:23
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You have a good way of using just the right amount of description. I love a good suspense thriller and this hit the spot.

You also have a unique way of writing which is refreshing.

I enjoyed reading this.**
Euripides Comment by: Euripides - 2006-12-12 07:35
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the humming noise "draws near by the minute" yet "The hum soon amplifies into the loudest blare ever heard." It leaves me a little unsure of how fast or slow time seems to be passing.
The sentance that starts "One could equate..." is in square brackets instead of parentheses, .i.e [] instead of ().
"Much like a dog digging for a bone I dig for an escape of some sort, and yet I fail to tire." YOu might move the comma to after the word bone for a clearer break of concepts. There are other commas that seem surperfluous and the newest gammar rules no longer require them.

After all that bothersome grammar stuff I have to say I like it. It was challanging enough to make me slow down and keep closer track of the sequence of events. In turn that makes it feel like the work is not a just a short bit, but rather that it's compact and tight.
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By adarkvision

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