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Drinks (Edit 1 - 12-27-06)
"Wanna go out for a drink?"
That phrase always started a relationship. Predictably, before long she could tell their whole life story by their drink of choice.
Peter was a microbrew man, Kettlehouse Coldsmoke. Sean preferred whiskey, Johnnie Walker Black Label. Paul was sensitive and drank White Russians. Jamie was a frat boy and spent the nights swimming in Budweiser. Victor drank only Grey Goose vodka and Jerry was wild for Gin. Vincent drank only Merlot and Derek shots of Cuervo.
After drinks and during sex she could taste the alcohol on their skin and in their mouths; the tangs and the sours the bitter smoky taste of disappointment.
On them she tasted who they were in the dark; in the quiet and away from the noise of convenience. Her lovers' drinks followed them away from the bar and betrayed them.
They were all wrong every time. The trick only worked one way, and on her they tasted only water, and salt.
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I like it short. The drink is the ficus and you get the message across without straying from that focus. The only part that I didn't get was how she could taste the drinks on their skin. Maybe add 'smell on their breath instead.' to encompass a broader sensory perception.
Jeff |
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I'd say more to this little story please....
very interesting piece that should be extended if you don't mind.
*
Poetically Always Ashley |
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Comment by: - 2007-02-01 14:54
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Cool little story, but I'd like to see you expand on it and show more than tell. JMO.
Anyway, good job. |
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I really like this. I think the woman's character is very unique and I'd actually like hearing a full blown story about her. Or maybe see a dramatic little indie flick about her.
Good stuff. |
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The beat of this story has improved. Some sentences I'm still not sure about, maybe they are a little clumsy -
On them she tasted who they were in the dark;
I don't think you need 'On them' - hits the reader quicker without it, we can still see she is on them, why wouldn't she be?
Great little story all the same. |
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