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waxseal
Meleina Backhaus
United States, MT, Missoula

Words: 303
Access: Public
Comments: 16

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Peels (Flash - edit 12-28-06 )

Once, there was a hobo on 14th Street who collected peels from dumpsters and made collages.

He was seen cruising the back alleys of the finest shops, looking for the best. From Morrie's the pastry shop he took apple peels; from the Golden Oyster, shreds of lemon zest; and from Pauline's, the corkscrew orange peels that remained after the inside had been used for low-calorie, all-natural juice. The bars downtown were an excellent source of lime peels (all the tequila, you understand), and the bakeries provided exotic pomegranate and mango peels. The hobo arranged all the peels into frames made from broken wooden windows and poured shellac over them.

Being a smart man, he sold his wares outside the modern art museum, next to the sculpture of nude women wrought in burnished aluminum. Awed by the textures frozen in time, the people couldn't believe the vibrant colors. Such beautiful shades from the dregs of the street, such daring avant garde work from a man whose face looked like a crumpled and dirty paper bag.

He sold them for a modest price, just cheap enough to make people buy them but rich enough to allow him to replace his patched and dirty socks with new ones. Each sale made his beetle eyes shine and shoulders straighten a little.

In time, his dumpster diving made him famous. His artwork started to make a profit and he was seen wearing better clothes. He started to shave and clean his fingernails; he was growing out of the alley a little bit at a time.

I was the first reporter on the scene when he was found. I never bought any of his pieces, but I could never forget that the color of blood from his temple matched exactly the apple peels clutched in his right hand.

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Comments  
psgri2003 Comment by: psgri2003 - 2007-07-28 16:02
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i really enjoyed reading this. i think you could drop the word once from the start and not need to make any other changes. i actually liked the reporter at the end because it gave that impression of this being just one more story from the city. if you were to go with the suggestions made to excise this character you might start as a description of the ultimate and final piece of artwork and work a slow reveal that shows us what has happened to him. great read. thank you.
Cherley Comment by: Cherley - 2007-07-18 19:16
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Just read this again. It's still a strong and shocking story. You did it so smoothly that the reader has no idea what's coming next. Excellent.
Cherley Comment by: Cherley - 2007-07-18 19:16
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Just read this again. It's still a strong and shocking story. You did it so smoothly that the reader has no idea what's coming next. Excellent.
Teri Comment by: Teri - 2007-07-13 08:15
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Good story that could be better with just a little tightening. The use of the peels is definitely unique. I enjoyed that bit of quirky weirdness.

The first sentence - not exactly how I like stories to start, and I've used the same 'Once' myself. While I agree with Kid Swinging, there's a way to tie the end in with the beginning and second sentences. ['He was seen' semi-introduces characters who have seen him, but it's left flat after that.] I'd reword that first sentence to include 'you'. 'I once heard about' 'I'd been told about' - something like that.

The last three sentences in the second para - use of peels too often. Orange corkscrews, lime threads, flattened lime wedges ... you get the idea.

but I could never forget - is the narrator writing this from beyond the grave? lol I'd put 'I'll never forget'.

Nice piece of flash, Meleina. A few adjustments here and there, and it's done. :)

T. xo
Cherley Comment by: Cherley - 2007-04-29 21:11
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Such a sad story. Just when he was getting his life together and I was so happy when he got his socks. How sad that hs life was ended in such a horrible way.
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