Santa was checking his almighty list
His eyes angry slits and his hand in a fist
'Naughty, and naughty,'� he said with a snarl,
'Naughty, yes, naughty, and a naughty for Carl!'�
'Naughty, naughty, naughty'there's barely a good;
Why, there isn't one in this whole neighborhood.'�
He grumbled and griped as he marked them all out,
His bushy white whiskers pulled into a pout.
Mrs. Claus said 'Oh, Santa, don't tighten your anus,
I'm sure that their crimes aren't nearly that heinous.'�

'Ho, that's all that you know,'� said the furious Nick,
'Take a gander at this girl, yes, take a look quick!
Just check exactly what this girl has done''�
'I'm sure that it all was done in good fun.'�
Saint Nicholas stared at his lenient wife
'Can't believe I married you for my whole life.'�
He pulled out a list of the young woman's crimes;
It was written red ink (and for some reason, rhymes).

'Now this little chicky is ethical, but
She calls her one suitemate a whore and a slut!
She told their Mock Trial group her innocent pal
Should be their fundraiser'can you picture this gal?
Perverted and dirty-minded, she's very much so
Spitting insults and epithets and meanness, you know
Every day she says 'prostitution's your work!'�
This is horrible, and ''� 'Don't be such a jerk!'�

Mrs. Claus threw her hands up in exasperation
'You must be the biggest dolt in the whole nation!
Can't you see that they're teasing, you dumb little man?
I'm sure the suitemate gives back all that she can.'�
Santa growled at his wife''you know nothing about it,
'just a game to them both''well, I very much doubt it.
So I'm giving this girl'Stephanie'lots of coal,
Maybe then she'll be nicer to this poor Niccole.'�

But then Santa, he looked up the price of the fuel;
His eyes bulged in horror at the charges so cruel.
'Well, screw this!'� he said, throwing down the name index
'I don't care who's been having extramarital sex,
Or been doping or drinking far too many beers,
Or worst of all not washing behind their ears.
This crap's all lot more than I can afford,
I guess sometimes evil is its own reward.'�
He lumbered off to his shop, in a blue funk
'Don't bother me; I'm off to get stinking drunk.'�

Mrs. Claus rolled her eyes but she left him to swear,
Though she revised to the list as to make it more fair.
So, thank Mrs. Claus (who is soon to be Miss),
The coal company and their deep avarice,
And that Santa's too smashed to do much more than say:
'Happy New Year, you bashtards, and a great Chrishtmash day!'�

disclaimer: she really is joking!

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