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deseyener
James Johnson
United Kingdom

Words: 368
Access: Public
Comments: 5

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Certain Type

 

He'd caught her eye more than once.

Never a day went by without him thinking of all the possibilities. The future, his, hers, theirs, together forever. Clichés stung.

The fairytale however was even more painful, as it stabbed at his heart and toyed with his mind. He could even picture the little Imp sitting on his shoulder; hacking at his ear lobe and pulling at his hair.

Happy ever after, he would hear it sneer.

Her passion and enthusiasm for the things he loved, warmed his very soul. She would show him art, and swap music. They would recommend each other films and literature.

They shared everything in common, anticipated every line they would say. It was almost frightening, yet so comforting. They were in tune on every level. He felt as though they had been split in two at the beginning of time. Maybe they were the same person once, and had finally found their missing halves.

She would smile back at him.

He felt his stomach knot, his whole body buzz.

When he was down he would think of her smile and all his problems would vanish. She had the most amazing smile, and if it was the only thing in the world he had ever seen, he would die a happy man.

Her laugh was more than enough to remind him of his feelings towards her. It helped drown out the Imp's taunting laughter, as it almost reminded him of what he couldn't have.

It's all in your mind little man, it would say as it hopped onto his other shoulder giving him an equal earful, She'll never be yours.

Maybe the Imp was right. You always want what you can't have. But, it's early days yet and he didn't mind waiting.

He had nothing better to do with his life.

---soreal: Hi...how are you? :)

He sat, arched over the keyboard, staring at the computer screen.

A message popped up in reply.

---mojopin: Hey...not bad cheers. So...

His fingers hesitated slightly over the keys.

---When are we going to meet up?

The Imp rolled his crazy little eyes.

 

Copyright © James Johnson 2006


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Comments  
Kenthayle Comment by: Kenthayle - 2007-01-24 19:18
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Heh, I wasn't expecting the end at all. Really great turn, there. I loved the imp representing rationality ... the real world being cruel and all compared to the fantasy. It also made me grin that at the beginning, this was obviously a guy madly in love. At the end, you realize he's more like a total creepster.

The writing was great, simple and smooth and not too clogged up (which is hard when your topic is mushiness ;P ). Some of the sentences could stand to be poked and prodded, but otherwise, it's a lovely little gem of a story. And quite funny ;)
waxseal Comment by: waxseal - 2007-01-04 12:08
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I think the imp is fantastic! But I wanted to see more of him and less of the love sick swain - I would really pare down his voice and have more of the interplay between him and imp - and then flashes of the 'her' sprinkled in - mostly a very solid write - just needs to be tightend up :-)
fredav Comment by: fredav - 2007-01-03 08:23
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She would smile back him. *She would smile back at him

I got this! Hehe. I knew that this was "love on the net" as people call it nowadays. Not bad at all. Though I do agree with some of Dig's comments. Make this tighter and it will be a better read. =)
deseyener Comment by: deseyener - 2006-12-18 12:23
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Thanks a lot for the comments Digs. I agree with all the pointers you have made. I need plenty of practice at tightening up sentences. I can tend to ramble a bit.

As for the story. Mojopin is the woman he is describing. Her smile :), everything he has experienced is online.

You are lead to believe he has interacted with her in the traditional way.
digs Comment by: digs - 2006-12-18 08:47
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Hereâ??s my rough summary of the story; you may care to compare it with what you had in mind:

A guy is smitten by â??herâ??. (Weâ??re left wondering who she might be; weâ??re told the guy has seen and heard her.) A cynical Imp, an interior voice, sneers at the guy, telling him she can never be his. The story ends with the guy starting to chat to someone called mojopin on line.

Not sure Iâ??ve really got the story. Is it me being dumb?

I really like the idea of the critical voice sabotaging the guyâ??s idealism/romanticism/optimism.

A couple of detailed suggestions for you to ponder:

You could tighten this up: There was never a day went by without him thinking of all the possibilities/Never a day went by without him thinking of all the possibilities

That sentence also contains some repetitions which didnâ??t seem to work so well; how about? Never a day went by without him thinking of all the possibilities. The future, his, hers, theirs, together forever.

Shouldnâ??t the Impâ??s speech be treated as â??direct speechâ?? ie comma before closing speech marks? eg 'Happy ever after', he would hear it sneer/'Happy ever after,â?? he would hear it sneer.

A lot of the time here youâ??re describing a hypothetical, imaginary situation. This can present difficulties with choice of tense. At times there are some awkward changes eg:

Sheâ??d (=would) smile back him.

Heâ??d (=had) felt his stomach knot, his whole body buzz.

(Also, 'smile back at him')
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