Nightmares From a Lonely Cell
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Poetry >> Nightmares From a Lonely Cell
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Nightmares From a Lonely Cell
Daily am I reminded of the, 'Sins of the Father'
All actions that led to the demise
All that led me here
Withering away in a box fit for no man
As timeless memories haunt my every move
Here in this place
Where I have long since lost count of the many tears that fell from eyes that saw too much
And yet, saw too little
Too little of my life before now
Before freedom became a figment of my imagination
Before my imagination became my only way to escape'¦
But I guess I really just want to know that he still thinks of me
That I have not become a piece of imagery
In the story he calls his life
Yes, daily am I reminded of him
As I sit here
Where some men come from time to time
I think of my father
The man incarceration stole from me
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| Important message, but are they both incarcerated? I'm a bit confused... beware of the cliche: "timeless memories haunt my every move", "figment of my imagination". It can suck the blood out of your writing. |
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| Wow bro this is deep.I like how at points you shift between talking aobut your father and yourself, or it could also be a reference to how both of you feel.Well done. |
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There is a problem here, You use sentimental language in search of sentiment. This is not a good practice. The "Daily reminder" is from what? Sitting in isolation? Or the whole point of this is meant to be a son following a fathers path? We could hate what we have have become and and we can feel lost at with out a parent, but. If you spent time inside then the questions would be different, did or does my father remember me, and what would he think of me now? We can all be sure that most fathers would not want their sons to end up inside. But incarceration of a family member means limited contact not zero contact. That was the harsh assesment. I think that you have the making of a good poem here, I suggest you throw in some stark realism and avoid the use of words which tend to be sentimental or asking for sentiment. A child of bereft of parent, more important a son lost to a fathers folly and societies demand for a retributive payment, left an orphan without appeal. It is quiet pain and one that will be an overlooked by society and given just a passing "ain't it a shame that man did not care enough for his family." Fathers can be taken death, accident, war, or anothers hand, and those orphans will somehow be more deserving or consideration than the orphan made by incarceration. Sorry this is so long but I think you have so much material here to work with that you do not need to resort to any sentimental hooks.
Tucker |
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