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Naked Heights/ revised2
Just above the timberline
where rock owns the landscape
daubing it in shale slides and boulders
and here the lichens own the rock
painting them soft green, yellow, and orange
If you get close and look
The air is lighter at ten thousand feet
Just enough so that every foot fall
feels a little heavier even'¦
awkward
here each breath
rings the ear with
a rasping lover's gasp'¦
at
each and every exertion
The foothills can now be seen
covered in green fir
spreading in all directions
creating folds and falls of valleys
shadowed and safer than the
naked heights
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| Great! I love this! :) |
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Took the advice and reworked the second stanza then pulled the repetitive "ands" from the entire work, I put them in at first to help with metered flow but found I liked it better without them. Thanks all
Tucker |
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Comment by: Valerie - 2006-12-28 14:03
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I really love this poem - full of concrete imagery! I don't see anything weak about it. I've read it four times and it rings "wonderful" to my ears. It's beautiful, truely beautiful.
Oops! 2nd stanza " lovers gasp" should be "lover's gasp."
3rd stanza - maybe omit the "and" at the beginning of the 3rd line, only because it is followed by two more "and"s in the stanza. Bravo! |
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| The third verse seems the weakest to me. I think it might have something to do with the choice of verbs. I'm comparing "owns/daubing/painting" in the first, "feels/rings/gasp" in the second, and "covered/spreading/creating" in the third. and the third grouping seems to lack the starkness of the other two somehow. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's just my immediate sense of the sound of the piece. What do you think? --MarkA |
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Ok Min I took your point and tried to fix the second verse. I am searching for an experential description in the second verse unlike the first and third.
Tucker |
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