Comfortable Consumerism
By Matthew Lubin

It's just what everyone really wants. Comfort. Like that pair of Chuck Taylor All-Stars you've been wearing the past three years'there are holes in the sides and the sole is practically separated from the shoe. It's like walking around barefoot. It's comfort like that. Worn and old and familiar and, well, comfortable.

At least that's what we all say we want. Self-delusion and bullshit. That's what comfort is. We always want more. More than just something simple. If all we wanted was that worn pair of Chucks, we'd all be communists. Yeah, that's right, the great American shoe would make us a bunch of commies.

I bet the Soviets never had shoes that felt so good. That's why they lost the Cold War. Comfortable shoes make all the difference. The Berlin Wall would've fallen earlier if we just offered the Reds some Italian loafers. Kennedy could've called Castro, 'Hey Fidel, I'll trade you these great loafers for those missiles you've got.'� And Fidel would've said, 'Yeah, that sounds like a fair trade. Throw in a Major League Baseball franchise and you got yourself a deal.'� Cuban Missile Crisis averted.

Of course, I don't have any Italian loafers'never have. Don't like to buy anything Italian. And my Chuck Taylors'tossed them three weeks ago. I guess I don't know what comfortable shoes really are anymore. I just walk around in flip-flops. I keep losing them when I drink though. But only one at a time. Never lose both in the same night. That's certainly not comfort. Buying a single piece of footwear every week. It's almost as enjoyable as being the fat kid in a dodgeball game. That's why I buy my flip-flops in bulk. I just can't let my stockpile dip below ten pair.

God bless mega-super stores and their super-low, low prices on junk I rarely need in packages of forty-eight. I have enough sardines to start my own aquarium. I don't even eat sardines. But 160 packages for eighty bucks!? How could I pass that up? I think it was a good deal anyway. I don't pay much attention to prices. I also own the 'Friends'� DVD collection. I hate that show, but I couldn't pass it up for the price.

I used to go to those bulk stores for vacation. I got free meals when they gave out samples. It's usually safe to eat as long as it doesn't contain generic canned meat or meatless anything. And their camping supplies are great. Those air mattresses are wonderful'I had to buy one for my home. Of course I never got rid of the old bed, so now I have an air mattress resting atop my waterbed. It's like sleeping on a life raft in the Atlantic. It's too bad they don't let me stay in the store anymore. It was perfect temporary housing while I searched for my apartment. But they threw me out when I roasted marshmallows over a propane fire. Apparently that was just going too far. Now I just spend my vacations in the camping supplies store.

It seems every time I wander into one of those excessively large retail stores I come home with some useless crap. I think I'm a compulsive spender. Which would explain my credit card debt. Every time I buy something I have to run through all my cards before I find the one that isn't maxed out. I don't care if I max them all out. They'll just send me another pre-approved piece of plastic in the mail next week. Then I can spend all over again. I figure if I keep making the minimum payments, I should be out of debt by my 134th birthday. Or maybe sooner if I hit the lotto.

Winning the lottery would make me happy for once. Then I could finally pay off my student loans. And back taxes. And gambling debts. And bar tabs. And that guy who keeps threatening to break my legs.

Yeah, winning the lottery would make my life complete with consumerism. I have to keep being a good consumer. If I don't, our economy will crumble and we'll be stuck in a socialist hell and I'll finally have healthcare. I just have to keep capitalism strong. Have to keep those rich CEOs in the lifestyles they're used to. That's exactly why I keep ordering those new and improved products off the TV commercials. I think I have four Garden Weasels stashed somewhere. I don't know what I'll do with four of them'I wouldn't know what to do with ONE! I don't even have a garden. Or a weasel.

I really should just stick to buying worthless junk that I might actually use and/or enjoy. I shouldn't buy stuff that just takes up space. That's why I bought my massaging leather recliner. Now I can sit in front of my television all day long and order more useless crap to keep me in debt for another thousand years while I massage my ass so it doesn't go numb from sitting all day long.

The repo men and the debt collectors should be along any time now to take everything I own. But I'm not worried because I have my newly legalized assault rifle in my gun rack attached to the back of my ass-massaging recliner. If those bastards want my worthless crap, that's fine. They just better not come near my leather recliner. My ass will never forgive me if I lose this chair.

It's all part of the new American way. Life, Long-term debt, and the pursuit of a comfortably massaged ass in front of a plasma television endlessly showing football for my pleasure. Only for my pleasure. Because, in the end, it really is all about me.

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