The tricky thing about Weight Watchers,
Is not the shrink in your waist.
It's the fact that you are still ugly.
No diet can pretty your face.


There once was a woman who baked,
Cookies, crumpets, and cakes.
She thought that her cunt
Was shaped like a Bundt,
And vaguely the color of steak.


There was a woman from China
Who had a sideways vagina.
The men from the West
Liked hers the best.
For their wives' were just a straight line-ah.


Nothing in the world is as juicy
As a nice, delectable goosey.
I'm aiming for subtler.
Mind out of the gutter.
We all know you thought I'd say pussy.


Some celebs must be predisposed
To the taking off of their clothes:
"Being naked is boring,
Without the public forum.
Just don't Google 'this', 'that', or 'those'!"


The pageant circuit's a bitch,
Especially with platforms to pitch.
Talking is hard
For even a bard,
But, such as, they're pretty and rich.


Said Mary Kay Letourneau
To Vili Fualaau: "Don't go!
There's nothing more pleasant,
Than you, prepubescent.
Now what's the square root of four?"


A man with a pecker as thin as a pin,
Was unable to score. He just could not win.
The shape was grotesque.
Any woman would jest.
'Til with eyes all a-flicker, saw it reached to his chin.


There once was a Princess, alone.
Who wished for nothing but bone.
No longer Old Maid.
She got and she gave,
And thanked her Godmother in moans.


"Fire Crotch" is probably a favorable term,
Where socialite-heiress whores are concerned.
They're skinny as sticks.
Talent measured in blips.
If only they would stop snorting and learn.


Menses makes me tense, see?
There's got to be another way!
Why can't it be he,
Who suffers procreatic sway?


Boobs are boobs, that's all I can say.
They're small or they're big and point different ways.
Sometimes they itch.
Which is always a bitch.
But they make the boys stare on school picture day.


Reality TV couldn't be worse,
Unless they broadcast live from the hearse
Of Anna Nicole.
(Most at home on the pole)
Something tells me E! will be first.


Since when has mental illness been chic?
"Oh! You're schizophrenic? How Neat!"
Bipolar is posh!
OCD? Good Gosh!
"Unspecified psychoses? A Feat!"


Sometimes Robin Williams can take it too far.
Jim Carey too: the second Ace Ventura?
Funny is funny,
But not just for money.
Will Ferrel, watch out! Don't get back in that race car.


Some people's gods are too funny!
(Note the small g) Vishnu? Just crummy!
Buddha's too calm.
(And not worth a Psalm)
Stephen King's all I need: "PRAISE JOHNNY!"


The body lying beneath you
Is quickly dissolving to goo.
She'll soon be long gone,
But memories live on.
Scratch marks in caskets do too.


There once was a guy named Steve
Who wiped his nose on his sleeve.
He hadn't a tissue.
That wasn't the issue.
But who are you gonna believe?


Super Man once had a lisp.
Which he cured with a rare Cannabis.
Though his stature's iconic,
The stuff was Kryptonic.
Unseen on that planet of his.


V. Woolf did us all a great favor,
When her sanity started to waver.
Loaded down with boulders,
She waded up to her shoulders.
Experimenting in stream-of-cadaver.


One thing, I'm afraid, I must boast:
How their marriage continues to coast.
But they can't help consider,
Which one is more bitter.
And who scarred the children the most.


There once was a girl, part Dalmatian,
Whose birth was a grand 'bomination.
Conceived on the floor,
Of a kennel, what's more?
Spots were her father's fixation.


A young man who reveled in doom,
Sought to luncheon one day on a tomb.
'Til a hand popped up,
To snatch what he supped.
For his sandwich, the corpse, he exhumed.


Everyone knows it is best,
To lift with your legs, not your chest.
A man who disobeyed,
With his back sorely paid.
And is often the chiropract's guest.


Illiteration

A man of a low education,
Caught a case of acute 'literation.
Neither reading nor writing,
Were much to his liking.
And cawmas cawz'd much kohnsturnashin'.


The name on the dressing room door,
Is Ms. Winfrey. Of that, I am sure.
If you've less than ten grand,
She don't give a damn.
And refrains from touching the poor.


A girl who is a shy pee-er,
Can't pee if any can hear her.
When the bathroom if full,
Her stream tends to lull.
But alone, she never feels freer.

This is how to tell
If you are getting fat.
One. Your hands will swell.
Do not pretend that they aren't.
They are. Deal with it.
Identifying sign Two
Is coming soon. Stop eating.

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