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The Bus Swayed
Amy sat at the back of the dart bus, her body gently swaying with the movement. She leaned back her head resting on the back of her head hitting the metal covering, she yawned deeply as she clutched onto her bag. Her eyes tearing up from lack of sleep. She yawned louder as se closed her eyes and curled up against the wall.
The bus continued to sway down the road, her bag slowly slipping out of her arms. Amy ignored it as she continued to fall asleep, her breath becoming even as her eyes rolled into the back of her head, she was officially asleep.
A man a few chairs away stared at her silently. His eyes undressing her, he could feel his pants get tight, as he thought of the things he could do to her. His mind wrapped around the idea of the thought as his hand, rythymatically patted his leg. His breath becoming ragged, his eyes closing as drool fell down the side of his cheek. He was in heaven.
The bus continued to sway as he continued to masturbate through his pants. His penis growing hard as he imagined the things he could do with her and a prositute he had at his house. He had plenty of good plots stuck in his head from the porn movies he had just rented. "Honey I fucked our daughter" was his favorate.
His wife stared angrily at him, as she saw his hand rub his leg. She was used to this by now, but it didn't stop it from hurting. She knew that he would leave her one day, she didn't know it would be so soon though. They had only been married three days. She sighed deeply as she tried to hide her tears.
The bus continued to sway as she grabbed her tissue, gently patting at her tears. It had been her lifes dream to marry her knight in shining armor, but she was stuck with an idiot in alumiun foil. She bit her finger as she tried to back more tears, her eyes looking at the road. Love was such a confusing thing.
The bus driver glanced at his four passengars. He felt sorry for the wife and the boy. They seemed to be going through a tough time right now. As a bus driver he saw the worst of them all, no one with any class ever road the bus.
The bus continued to sway as the driver put his eyes back on the road. His mind racing with different thoughts, a small fear in his heart. He's been in this situation before, but that doesn't make it less challenging. He was always faced with the same question, but in the end, like all the other times, he chose to let it go. It wasn't his place, after all he was just a bus driver.
A small boy struggled in the bag that Amy was carrying. His breath becoming gasps, as he clawed at the bag, his tounge was cut out so he couldn't speak, all he could do was whine as he started to choke on his blood.
As the bus continued to sway, the boy cried in the dark bag, unaware of where he was, or why he was even there. He sat in fear and pain as the blood began to clog in his throat. This time the boy didn't want to swallow. He slowly closed his eyes, his hands growing limp, and his breath dissappearing.
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Comment by: Dakota - 2008-01-27 00:29
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Really interesting and disturbing piece. Some great observations and different takes - which is illuminating and inspiring and exactly why I'm here. I like its rawness and rough edges, reminds me of a sketch.
I'm not sure why others try and mould us or force us to conform to what is thought of as writing style and rules - but they do dont they... Strange.
Isn't there enough dogma in the world?
I look forward to reading more of your work. |
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| The first thing I thought of when I read your short story is that it's almost like the first thing I ever wrote on here, in terms of a bus ride. I thought your story would make a good tandem with "2 666"! Anyways, it's an interesting look into the small but important details of life, and honestly, it can be the most stimulating thing, just looking at the little things. But this is one of my favorites, and I'm going to add it to my library, too. |
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Comment by: - 2007-08-19 18:51
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| I liked your story very much. With time and practice you will polish this thing into a great piece. The pervert watching the girl sleep is my favorite. I've seen sickos like that before. |
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"She leaned back her head resting on the back of her head hitting the metal covering" the "resting on the back of" part doesn't make sense to me. It's unclear.
"as his hand, rythymatically" omit comma.
"His breath becoming ragged, his eyes closing as drool fell down the side of his cheek" incomplete sentence.
In paragraph five, you suggest they've been married a long time (used to this by now), and then say they've only been married three days. This is a discreptancy.
"She bit her finger as she tried to back more tears" incomplete and confusing.
"class ever road the bus" should be "rode." also, now you mention a boy with the woman. When did he come in? You have implied that she wasn't married before, and that she's only been married for three days. If there was a relationship before, I doubt the wife and the husband would now be married since he can't seem to keep one woman for more than 72 hours. So, where did the boy come from?
"heart. He's been in this situation" He's = He'd.
What is the busdriver to let go. All he sees is a man lusting after a girl at this point.
Holy crap. Where did the boy with no tongue crom from. It's a surprise, bute because there's nothing to back up why he would do this or who he is.
I don't understand where the last two paragraphs play in. If this boy is abused by the man, then write that--not some lust story. Bate and switch is for politics, not writing.
Also, you seem to do a lot of character switching. In a story this small, pick a main character and stay with it.
I could indeed visualize most of what you said. I think this could be a good short story, it just needs some work.
Good luck. |
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| Anyone who has ever stuffed a kid in a bag knows where you're coming from. |
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