"I think what I'm trying to say..." I said to the wall in a tormented-pot-smoking-paranoid kind of way "...is that I just don't see what all the fuss is about!" What EXACTLY am I trying to say? I don't know EXACTLY. The thought had occurred to me early on that I was really dead, and that everything in my life was just so many little sparks of life ebbing from my dead mind.
"I guess what I'm trying to say..." I said to the guy in the doorway staring at me in a kind of purple smoking jacket "...is that I'm perfectly content to live in misery! To be tormented every day by the knowledge that I have knowledge. Does that make sense?" He just shrugged and walked away. "I'd expected a little more from you Rene! Ehh what do you know? Math is really your bag after all." I waved my hand and he dissolved. Neat trick huh?
The thought of being alone, of knowing alone was somehow- IS somehow soothing above everything else. I grow farther apart from these made up characters everyday that I live, but do I? Live I mean. Do I live or... We've covered this already, haven't we? Ah forget it. It's nonsensical; it's Crap (with a capitol "C"). But still... if a one-handed mime is stabbed to death with a knitting needle in a forest near a recently fallen star, when will the train arrive in Cleveland? WHOA!! Where did that come from?
"I suppose what I'm trying to say..." I said to myself as I stared deeply into the scarred flesh which once was my face "...is that I like the pain. I can't live without it. If it stops hurting, if I become satisfied, I'll die."
Such predicaments, I must forge ahead...
"I suppose you're wondering..." I said to the girl in the library where I go on Tuesdays and Saturdays to discuss books that depress the weak "...what an intense Stud-Muffin like me is doing in a place like this? Well, I'll tell you..." WHAT THE HELL are you talking about?
Hmm? I'm sorry; the intelligent part of your brain was just writing a song. We weren't paying attention to the rest of you.
When the world spins off into space and the entire population flash-freezes like so many popsicles, then I'll be happy. You see, I don't want to miss anything by being dead. Although in truth, I'm relatively certain I made all of you up, just to appease some part of my psyche that happened to be bored. I've been bored a lot lately. I guess that would explain the population explosion...
