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Bizarre But Comfortable
Grinning, forever spinning, cascading
Into that wondrous ocean, of bliss.
Piercing colours gyreing before my eyes,
To revive or subdue; a kiss.
Rewinding; grinding; skipping; conflicting;
Chest heaving;
Tears streaming;
Paralysed with pleasure.
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| good description |
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Comment by: - 2007-03-09 11:10
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| Short yet powerful, excellent! |
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"Piercing colours gyreing before my eyes,"
is it supposed to say greying? ie. piercing colours greying before my eyes? which would evoke an image of a bright canvas that slowly transforms into a dull one.
i would love to see this performed orally, the intonation, the pauses would be great to hear/see. |
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Few but insignificant typos since I got engrossed in this one. Rewinding; grinding; skipping; conflicting;
Chest heaving;
Tears streaming;
Paralysed with pleasure..... my favorite, enigmatic and shows that you have the gift of imagery through writing |
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Hi Marcus, a few editing pointers:
No comma after 'ocean';
Gyre is a great word to use here, watch the spelling though- 'gyring';
Not sure about the semi-colon after 'subdue'- it could be dispensed with, without altering the meaning of the line;
Heavy use of semi-colons in the second stanzas. I would be tempted to use commas instead, otherwise the whole verse seems too purposely seperated. Perhaps you are wanting to replicate the sense of heavy breathing? |
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