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I'd try and lose the last (and without) repeat maybe try squeeze prophet
profit / lost/gloss rhymes as well. this one doesnt work as well as the first one think its the many repeats in such a short one..
Be very careful with punctuation in poetry as it's important and works differently than in prose. It's more important, so to make mistakes is more apparent than in prose as well. It also gives an unfinished quality to the poem. Again, my opinion. :)
Very personal and insightful. You put your feelings right out there and aren't afraid to share. Another mark of a true poet.
