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Running Out of Time
What do you want to save?
Time
Falls...
Away.
To a place where deserts reign.
A place once famed- now in flames
Were our labels are our eyes and our names.
What do you want to save?
In time...
Still
Forests.
Lush as water hope can crystallize
Into what was once our god-
Our empowered will and thoughts ...
what do you want to save?
Time
Falls...
Away.
To a place were only trees would watch
A place were our lives weren't sitcoms.
A place were we fought.
What do you want to save?
Time.
Can fall away.
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Comment by: Rhubarb - 2008-09-30 18:55
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| Good read. I like the abrupt three line stanzas that you have utilized. It stresses an immediacy to the reader.A borderless piece. It does however need a bit of polish. Did you want to use "where" and not "were" in lines #'s 7, 19, 20, and 21. Good imagery. |
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Comment by: teejay - 2007-01-20 10:49
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| Yep, you got it. :D And thanks for the help. |
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Comment by: Dunny - 2007-01-19 22:30
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Yeah, these should be 'where' as well (e.g. "A place where we fought"). I think you got some unintentional bad advice on Gods and Devils.
In the line "...hope can crystalline" did you mean 'crystallize'? That's how I read it until I looked closer.
I'm getting a very nostalgic vibe from this piece. A dream of an America (and Americans) that maybe never was but should have been and should be. I am SO digging the philosophy here. Well, if I'm seeing it right. I'm pretty political, so I tend to see statements and stands where perhaps none was intended.
"The country we hold in our hearts is waiting"
-Bruce Springsteen
:) |
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| Cant it? I enjoyed the poem, dont dig the phylosophy |
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