The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world. Learn how other writers are doing it. |
|
 |
 |
 |
| |
nothing is forever
You say that our love is forever
I say that nothing is forever
Time moves on, you left to go someplace
I sat and waited for you
You never came back
I came to visit
But another girl was in your arms
You said that it wasn't what it seemed
I told you to forget everything
After all love is never forever
I went home that night and cried
Wishing that everything was wrong
Nothing lasts forever I whisper
End of the night there is silence and an innocent soul is lost forever
Now its forever
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
| Ja, das ist sehr schon! |
|
|
Ahh. No, no, no. Though LowIQ is right about using puncuation when it is needed in a poem, the way he/she did it has puncuation at the end of every line. Bad LowIQ. When you have puncuation at the end of the line, it is called and end-stopped line. If you have too many end-stopped lines, that poem becomes choppy and sing-songy. This is very bad form, and a poem that does this will NEVER be published by a real magazine or journal. I would say to break up the enjambment, so each sentence or part of a sentence is no longer confined to a line.
As for the actual content of the poem, it is pretty good. You write well. You have the classic young-writer problem of being over-dramatic. But you'll learn that with time. Also, published poetry almost always contains visuals. It must be something that you can see as you read, not just think. Ideas don't make a poem. Using images and scenarios to portray those ideas does. You are far along in your writing ability at your age. I've read some things by other young writers on EditRed, and you are good. I've reread my own teen writings, and they sucked in comparison to this. I'm not just sugar-coating. Keep writing, you're good at it. |
 |
Comment by: LowIQ - 2007-02-13 08:18
|
|
Liked the poem. Easy to read, and flowed well. The only thing is the punctuation, or the lack of it. That does not really sit weel with me, but may be it's supposed to be like that. Personally I'd put it like this:
You say that our love is forever.
I say that nothing is forever.
Time moves on,
You left to go someplace.
I sat and waited for you.
You never came back.
I came to visit,
But another girl was in your arms.
You said that it wasnâ??t what it seemed.
I told you to forget everything,
After all love is never forever.
I went home that night and cried,
Wishing that everything was wrong.
Nothing lasts forever I whisper.
End of the night there is silence,
and an innocent soul is lost forever.
Now its forever.
Only an opinion though, and that's just a review a first glance. Maybe it'll be better without on the 2nd read. Thanks. |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
| | Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com |
|
|
|
|
| |
Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S | | |
