Characters:

GRANDPA / GRANDPA'S GHOST: a recently deceased man in his early seventies. Grandpa should be slightly dumpy, baldor with gray hair; in other words, a real catch. He is raunchy in his mannerisms.

GRANDMA: a woman in her early seventies. When alone, she is a crude woman, with a flair for unique expressions. In public, she is religious in an over-exaggerated, desperate manner. As far as looks go, she isn't exactly a peach these days.

JESSICA: the 27-year-old granddaughter of GRANDMA and GRANDPA. She is also a nurse who always seems to have a stalker. It's been said that she encourages them.

SUSANNA: the 21-year-old granddaughter of GRANDMA and GRANDPA. She works at Wal-Mart and therefore is also suicidal. She enjoys cigarettes, sarcasm and bad sitcoms.

ANDY: the 17-year-old brother of JESSICA and SUSANNA. His hero is Benjamin Franklin and he talks about him constantly.

MAMA: the mother of JESSICA, SUSANNA and ANDY. She is an extremely paranoid and also self-repressed secretary in her early fifties, however, she has a healthy emotional outburst once every 11 years or so.

AUNT SANDRA: She has been estranged from her entire family, including her two daughters, STACY and NICOLE, for several years. Fifteen years ago, she took her two daughters out of school and moved to India to chase her former boss. She claims the entire experience completely transformed her, and no, it wasn't because of the drugs. She is currently a massage therapist who believes she has psychic powers. And yes, she knows everyone thinks she's full of shit.

NICOLE: AUNT SANDRA'S daughter. She is 29 and has been a waitress at the same Chinese food restaurant for 8 years. Pretty soon, they're going to let her move up to bartender.

STACY: AUNT SANDRA'S daughter who got her GED when she was in her 20's and now she's a cop. She's 32.

UNCLE DAVE: He is the only one of GRANDMA and GRANDPA'S kids who has a college degree. He was an architect, but several years ago he stabbed a co-worker in the back with scissors after she told him she bet a man like him probably has a small penis. He was married to a beautiful Mexican woman, but she left him when he was arrested (besides, he did have a small penis). He's a custodian now'yes, a custodian, not a janitor, ok?

UNCLE STINKY: He is actually religious, not just in pretense. He works at an insurance company and has a boring wife and two boring children who always sit quietly and behave. His real name is Matthew, but everyone calls him STINKY because his diapers stunk when he was a baby.

AUNT CONNIE: She's STINKY'S wife and a stay at home mom. She bakes whenever she's nervous and only lets her kids watch PG movies. In fact, she and her husband only watch PG movies too because the world is 'going to hell in a handbasket.'� (Don't tell her that line was in Grateful Dead song; she'll have none of it.)

DOLLY: She is a blowup doll.

PREACHER: He is a preacher.




Scene 1:

(Takes place in GRANDMA and GRANDPA'S home. There are numerous pictures throughout the house, and an excessive amount of rooster knick-knacks and Aunt Jemima figurines all over the kitchen. And of course, no old person's home would be complete without a framed print of a couple's last name, with a doily behind it. GRANDMA enters through the kitchen door, carrying a bag of cracklins and some flowers.)

GRANDMA
Hey Pops, I'm home. Where ya at?

(Puts the flowers on the kitchen counter and starts munching on the cracklins. With a full mouth)

Pops, ya fall back asleep? Wake ya old ass up! I gotcha some cracklins. Ya better get ya hands on these 'fore I eat 'em all! Anyway, it's almost 7. Survivor is about to come on!

(Waits for a response, then walks to their bedroom)

Pops, what in God's name happened!

(She rushes over to GRANDPA'S body, which is slumped over a blow up doll on their bed. In a pissed off voice, half infused with tears)

Why'd ya bring that...thing in here?

(Flicks him on the shoulder, hard, trying to wake him up. She realizes he's dead.)

Aw Lord, you must have had an attack!

(Takes on a lecturing tone found in hard'extremely hard'love. It's the kind of voice couples who have been together for a long time speak to each other in'couples whose relationship consists of trying to outlive each other.)

You know you can't exert yourself like a young man. Them days have passed. Jesus Christ, you been telling me you weren't strong enough to mow the lawn for 9 years, but you still got enough in you to give it a go with that plastic floozy! Look at you...pitiful sight...that big, floppy belly covered in gray hair...I can't even see that shriveled, dried up piece of beef jerky underneath all that fat.

(Pauses briefly with a disgusted look on her face)

Yep, you had an attack all right. You got that inhaler in your hand...course the other hand's on that...that wench's plastic titty. But why'd ya have to die now? I knew you were gonna go sooner or later, but what am I gonna tell people? You old fart, you put me in a bad situation! What the hell would the Bryans think? You got an answer to that, wise ass?

(She peers at the doll)

Sweet Jesus, she's got a hole in her'an unnatural hole! You musta poked her hard enough to push all the air outta her and into that crabby face of yours!

(She sits on the edge of the bed.)

Damn Pops, I knew you were getting weak, but did ya have to die while attempting ...I can't even say it. What would the Bryans think?

(In an over exaggerated tone)

It's unnatural!

(In an accusatory tone)

I have to call an ambulance, but what am I gonna say? Tell them that my husband of 53 years died from an asthma attack because he punctured a hole in a blow up doll with his pecker?

(She gets up to get her bag of cracklins. She eats them as she paces around the room, looking at her husband with the doll.)

Well, you never were the most dignified dog on the porch. I suppose I should be thankful that this'�thing bore the brunt of your ruttin' so I didn't have to.

(She snickers)

Lord knows I ain't been interested in a long time.

(In a resigned tone)

I guess I gotta call somebody...

(She puts the bag of cracklins down on the nightstand and notices a pill bottle. She reads the label.)

When the hell did you start taking viagra? And for a damned doll! Oh, for crying out loud, no wonder you're dead...and stiff, you reprobate! I have to hide this.

(She paces)

It's bad enough somebody's got to come out here and pry your wrinkled body off that...thing. I don't want that bottle lying around.

(She takes the bottle and walks over to the entertainment stand, opens the cabinet underneath it, and shoves the viagra in with the movies. As she's closing the door, she notices a dvd case by the TV. Reads title.)

Hey, Grandma's a Whore! What the hell kind of a movie is this?!

(Looks back at Grandpa.)

You damn bastard, I don't want to know anymore!

(Looks at dvd case again and smirks.)

Well, at least you aimed your sick lust after women above the age of consent'�well above. It's better than you watching those barely legal...doggoned...wild ass...girls gone mad crazy videos!

(Picks up phone and dials 911.)

I need an ambulance. My husband's had'�

(Long, awkward pause)

Umm'�an asthma attack'�


Scene 2:

(GRANDPA'S GHOST is watching JESSICA and SUSANNA get ready for his funeral. GRANDPA'S GHOST is carrying the blowup doll along with him. JESSICA and SUSANNA are at JESSICA'S house.)

GRANDPA'S GHOST
Look at them Dolly. They don't look like any girls I knew. I barely remember my granddaughters, but I guess being dead comes with the perks of voyeurism. Hell, at least they're going to my funeral. We were Southern Baptist, so you know it's going to be more boring than watching a cow take a shit. I reckon their Mama's guilty conscience forced them into going.

(JESSICA is putting makeup on. SUSANNA is sitting on the bed, smoking a cigarette and watching a rerun of Gilligan's Island.)

SOUND OF TV

(In a sing-song voice)

The mate was a mighty sailin' man, the skipper brave and sure. Five passengers set sail that day for a three-hour tour. A three-hour tour.

GRANDPA'S GHOST
Dolly, this show's a classic.

(Begins to sing along with SOUND OF TV)

If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the minnow would be lost. The minnow would be lost.

JESSICA
Can you believe Grandpa died? I kinda wish I knew he was about to go, and then I would have visited him more.

SUSANNA
What do you mean more? You mean you would have visited him? Neither one of us saw him once we were out of junior high.

JESSICA
That's not our fault. Daddy left, so why should we go over there anymore? As much as Mama told us we could visit them, you know she didn't really want to have anything to do with Daddy's family. Besides, she told me later that she always thought they were perverts. Did you know that?

SUSANNA
It would make sense.


JESSICA
Remember when Grandpa would give us a dollar to hug him?

SUSANNA
Yeah, but I always just thought he was encouraging us to develop good financial habits.

(Pauses briefly)

There was that incident with my fish, though.

JESSICA
What happened with your fish?

GRANDPA'S GHOST
Aw shit, this is a funny story Dolly.

SUSANNA
I was 11, and that goldfish I won at the fair, King Billy, got sick. I told Grandpa he stopped swimming around and asked him what I could do to make him better. He told me to pee on a toothpick and give it to the fish, and the next day he should be better.

GRANDPA'S GHOST

(Laughing hard)

I sure did, and she went straight to the bathroom and peed on a toothpick! Can you believe that?

JESSICA
I don't remember you peeing on a toothpick.

SUSANNA
Well I didn't tell anybody else! The point is that he lied to me. When I told him the fish didn't get better, he laughed so hard he spit Coors Light all over me. He told me I musta been really naïve to believe something like that because I was the first one to fall for it. Then he said I was really supposed to put an actual pea on the toothpick and feed it to the goldfish.

SOUND OF TV

(Screams the line)
Gilligan!!!!!

SUSANNA

(Pauses to think for a minute)

You know I hadn't thought about that in years, but that's a real douche bag thing to do to a little girl. I bet he was a perve.

GRANDPA'S GHOST

(Still laughing a bit)

Everybody's got a little pervert in them, honey. Even you I'm sure.

JESSICA
There's no reason to get upset about it now. He's dead. Did Mama tell you how he died?

SUSANNA
She said he had an asthma attack.

JESSICA
Yeah, while watching a movie.

SUSANNA
Well that's what old people do, isn't it? They watch movies and garden and look at pictures and wait to die.

JESSICA
You obviously don't know what kind of movie he was watching. Grandma told Mama he was watching a horrible independent film, the kind she always made him watch by himself. She said she felt so bad for not sharing this last one with him.

GRANDPA'S GHOST
Hell, if that were the case, I would've asked the old crone to watch it with me! A warm hole's a lot better than a plastic one, even when it's all greased up. No offense Dolly.

SUSANNA
What's so weird about that? So he was watching an artsy fartsy movie.

GRANDPA'S GHOST
More fartsy than artsy, sweetheart!

SUSANNA
(Pause)

That is hard to believe though...considering his tastes.

JESSICA
I don't think it was the kind of film they show on the Sundance channel, Susanna. Mama said she bets it was a porno, and that Grandma's just trying to hide that from everyone. But then again, you know Mama. She's always been paranoid. I do think he was a perve, though'�


Scene 3:

(Takes place at a small Southern Baptist church in the middle of nowhere. MAMA, JESSICA, SUSANNA and ANDY are walking into the church.)

MAMA
Ok kids, remember, just be quiet and respectful and don't talk to anyone too much ok? Except for your Grandma. Go and say something to her, then just sit down in the back and grieve quietly.

ANDY
Mama, I know what to do.

MAMA
Well, that goes for all of you.

(The 'kids'� all nod their heads or murmur yeah. As they enter the church, GRANDMA is seated on the front pew and is crying and carrying on about how much she loved GRANDPA to UNCLE STINKY. GRANDPA'S GHOST is standing next to GRANDMA with DOLLY.)

GRANDPA'S GHOST
Can you believe she's carrying on like that, Dolly? She doesn't give two shits I'm gone! If I was in one room, that woman was in the other one. The old hag wouldn't even bring me soup when I was sick!

MAMA

(Reaches out, pats GRANDMA on the shoulder.)

I'm so sorry, but I'm glad to see you're holding up all right.

GRANDMA

(In a tense voice)

Well, dear, I'm not exactly holding up. I'm crying because my husband just died, in case you haven't noticed.

ANDY
Don't worry Grandma. Did you know that Benjamin Franklin said that the soul is immortal, and that God will certainly reward virtue and punish vice? He did, and'

GRANDPA'S GHOST
And he was right! How d'ya like that! Though I don't know about rewarding virtue and punishing vice...but I ain't in hell yet!

GRANDMA

Yes, thank you Andy. Do you still play baseball?

ANDY

(A bit offended)

I haven't played baseball since I was 8.

GRANDMA
Well, you're not that much older, are you?

MAMA
He's 17!

GRANDMA
That's only...

(Pause)

9 years...look, I'm distracted today! My husband just died, and I wasn't even there with him! I tried to spend every living minute looking after that man, and I failed!

(GRANDMA begins to cry loudly)

GRANDPA'S GHOST
Ha! She's crying because it's the...

(Pauses, speaks in mocking tone)

Christian thing to do.


UNCLE STINKY

(To MAMA)

Don't upset her.

MAMA
Stinky, I didn't mean to, I just wanted'

STINKY
(really worked up)

My name is Matthew! I'm not a teenager anymore, and just because you called me Stinky when you were dating my brother doesn't mean you can call me that now! I'm an insurance agent, and I won't be called Stinky anymore!

MAMA

(Mumbles something about someone having issues. MAMA shakes her head and she and ANDY go sit at the back of the church to wait for the funeral to begin.)

SUSANNA
Uncle Stinky, didn't you get that nickname because your diapers smelled so bad?

GRANDMA
(Grinning, suddenly out of tears)

It's true, they smelled like rotten coconuts.

STINKY
Shouldn't you be composing yourself? The funeral is about to start. And listen Sue Ann, that's none of you business.

SUSANNA
Sorry, Stinky.

(SUSANNA and JESSICA go sit down by MAMA and ANDY. STINKY goes and sits down by CONNIE behind GRANDMA. NICOLE and STACY enter)

NICOLE
Oh, Grandma, look at how sad you are! What's wrong?

GRANDMA

(Stares at her blankly)

Your Grandpa died. That's why you're here.

NICOLE
Yeah, I just thought something was wrong. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

GRANDMA

(Stares at NICOLE blankly again, then turns to STACY)

Stacy, did you have to wear your uniform here? It's not proper.

STACY
I have to get right back to work. Besides, my uniform is black. Has our mom gotten here yet? We're looking forward to seeing her. It's been almost four years.

GRANDMA
At least leave your gun outside.

STACY
It's a precaution.

(Seriously)

You never know when something bad is on the horizon.

(AUNT SANDRA enters)

AUNT SANDRA
Are those my two girls? Stacy, you really did become a cop! That's wonderful honey, you always had such a powerful aura.

(Embraces STACY, then NICOLE)

AUNT SANDRA
And what are you doing these days, my sweet girl?

NICOLE
I'm still working at Peking. They're going to make me bartender soon.

AUNT SANDRA
I knew you could achieve your dreams!

(Turns to Mom)

Oh Mom, you have such an inner beauty in you today...a sad, poetic beauty, but beauty nonetheless. After the service I could give you a massage and help you release your inner goddess. It's so important to comfort yourself after experiencing such a tragedy. We should all have some wine first, though.

NICOLE
I think some wine sounds like a great idea. How long will the service last?

GRANDPA'S GHOST
Forever if you all don't quit yappin!

(PREACHER enters)

PREACHER

(To everyone)

Are we ready to start?

(Everyone else takes their seats)

GRANDPA'S GHOST
Get the hell on with it preacher! I look forward to hearing about myself.

(Song 'Onward Christian Soldiers'� starts playing)

SONG
Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war,
With the cross of Jesus going on before.

(Enter Uncle Dave. He stops suddenly)

UNCLE DAVE
Sorry

(He quickly takes a seat on the first pew)

(More of the song plays)

SONG

At the sign of triumph Satan's host doth flee;
On then, Christian soldiers, on to victory!
Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
Brothers lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.

PREACHER
We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Thomas Lee Parker.

(Grandma wails loudly. STINKY pats her arm)

STINKY
God's with you, mother. God's with you.

GRANDPA'S GHOST

(Snickers)

No he ain't!

AUNT SANDRA

(In a quiet voice to NICOLE)

What was that?

NICOLE

(In a volume just loud enough to be inappropriate)

I didn't hear anything.

(Everyone turns to look at NICOLE)

PREACHER

(Clears his throat)

Thomas was a wonderful man. He loved God and his family more than anything else.

GRANDPA'S GHOST
Except fishing! There's nothing like having a few beers and fishing.

(AUNT SANDRA looks around like she hears something)

PREACHER
He was a righteous man. Of course, he strayed from the church in his younger days, but he found his way back into the Lord's arms, in part under the guidance of his wife here.

(GRANDMA sobs loudly)

PREACHER
He had two hardworking sons and one beautiful daughter.

MAMA

(Mumbles to her children)

I guess he's not counting your deadbeat father.

PREACHER
And a number of endearing grandchildren.

SUSANNA

(To ANDY and JESSICA)

We're only a number.

PREACHER
Thomas was a man who had high morals. He was a family man above all. He never engaged in any unholy activities, such as drinking or gambling. In his later years, he didn't come to church as often as he should have, but I know he was there in spirit. Thomas served his country as well as his family. When he was young, he joined the Air Force and carried out our nation's mission under God's name.

GRANDPA
The Air Force was all about overseas titties and booze! You should have seen those little Asian girls go crazy over my uniform.



PREACHER
I'd like to ask Thomas' wife to come up here and say a few words about the man she loved.

(GRANDMA walks to podium)

GRANDMA
As the Preacher here has already stated, my husband was a good, God-fearing man. We loved each other so much...

(Pauses, sniffles a little)

Thomas was my world and I don't know how I'm going to fill my days now. All I wanted to do in life was make sure that man was taken care of. I only hope that you all will remember Thomas as the man he was'a man who put God, his wife, children and grandchildren above anything else in the world. Thomas loved his family so much that he often neglected his own interests. I wish that man could have enjoyed himself more on earth, but Thomas always said that the pleasures of this world weren't meant for him. He's going to rest in God's kingdom, though, I just know it.

(Cries dramatically, everyone one else looks around uncomfortably, squirms in their seats perhaps)

As you all know by now, Thomas died alone. I was out buying some groceries, coming home to make my husband a good dinner, but he was gone when I got there. He was on our bed, slumped over in a most peaceful state.

(Pauses to think)

Thomas did have one pleasure in life. He loved movies. He was watching one of his favorite movies when he passed. I wish I could have been there with him. I always told him how silly he was, spending his time watching movies like a youngun, but you know he had a smile on his face when I found him. I'm just so grateful he left this world happy, and I hope you are all thankful for that.

(Wails loudly as she walks back to her seat)

PREACHER
Would anyone else in the family like to say a few words about Thomas?

NICOLE
I want to know how Grandpa died. What happened to him while he was watching a movie, Grandma?

GRANDMA

(Freezes like a dear in headlights)

He had an asthma attack, dear.

SUSANNA
What kind of movie was he watching, Grandma? Don't you think it would be nice if we all watched it together after the funeral as a way of honoring him?

(JESSICA jabs SUSANNA in the elbow to attempt to quiet her)

SUSANNA

(To JESSICA)

Ssh...it'll be funny.

GRANDMA

(Pauses awkwardly)

He was watching a documentary about women and aging.

GRANDPA'S GHOST

(Laughs loudly)

I don't know about women and aging, but it sure was about aged women!

AUNT SANDRA

(Looks around puzzled)

Did no one else hear that?

(The PREACHER looks uncomfortable)

STACY

(Puts one hand on her gun)

Could you describe the sound, Mom?

AUNT SANDRA
I swear I keep hearing your Grandpa saying things. I can feel his presence here.

GRANDPA'S GHOST
She went to India and came back a kook! You know she's a vegetarian Dolly? Can you believe that? A girl from Louisiana who doesn't eat meat! That's the craziest damn thing I ever heard of.

AUNT SANDRA
It's a moral choice!

(Everybody looks at AUNT SANDRA)

AUNT SANDRA
Sorry'I just...I heard my father talking. I'm...it's like he's here, watching his funeral.

UNCLE STINKY
Sandra, you don't have psychic powers. Father is dead; he's in heaven.

UNCLE DAVE
Actually, he's in that casket.

GRANDMA

(Completely outraged, speaks in a breathless manner)

Aw, hell! What's the point in pretending anymore! You kids are ruining your father's funeral! He died with his pecker stuck in a blowup doll and I just wanted to give him a decent Christian burial, but what's the use!?!? Are you happy now!!! Let's just tell it like it is and throw his old body in the ground!

SUSANNA
So it was a porn. You were right, Mama. They are perverts.

Mama
Susanna!

GRANDMA
What's that Ellen? You said my husband was a pervert?

MAMA

(A little hysterical)

I just told my kids that I thought that there was always something fishy about the way that man acted. He used to give my two girls a dollar for a hug! Don't you remember that? What kind of normal Grandpa would do such a thing?

(The PREACHER is looking really uncomfortable. STACY attempts to get the conversation off GRANDPA)

STACY

(To SUSANNA)

How's your probation going, Susan?

(The entire family looks at SUSANNA)

SUSANNA

(Hesitantly)

Fine. Thank you for asking in front of the entire family. By the way, my name is Susanna, not Susan, or Sue Ann, or any thing else like, but S-U-S-A-N-N-A, ok? Jesus, no one in this family ever gets my name right!

MAMA
Why the hell are you on probation?

STACY
She was brought in about 7 months ago for possession of marijuana. Don't worry, it's only a misdemeanor.

MAMA
Oh my God! Susanna, you're on drugs?

SUSANNA
Mama, I work at Wal-Mart. Of course I'm on drugs! How the hell else could I go to work everyday? Jesus Christ, it's just pot.... and painkillers, sometimes.

MAMA
This is an outrage. My daughter's been arrested, my kids' Grandpa was screwing a blowup doll'

UNCLE DAVE
I think fucking is a more appropriate word'

MAMA

(Glares at him. Speaks like this is the only time she's raised her voice all decade)

Fucking a blowup doll and no one is even paying attention to this funeral! I never even liked this goddamned family, but I made myself and my kids come because it's the right thing to do. And we're all going to sit down and finish this funeral and bury this dead pervert!

(MAMA looks at the PREACHER expectantly)

PREACHER

(Clears throat again)

As I was saying, Thomas was a family man most of all, and...

(Pauses, looks at all the uninterested faces)

Let's just head to the graveyard.

Want to comment on this Short Stories? Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...