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LadyC
Claire Chambers
United Kingdom, Flitwick

Words: 670
Access: Public
Comments: 3

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The Sales Assistant

The Sales Assistant sat on the chair by the window of the dimly lit jewellery shop, awaiting the chime of the bell to ring. Her call to arms, to return to life from the corpse that she had become.

From here, she could spy on the world outside via the dusty display window. People hastened by, heads bent towards the frosty chill, only conscious of the sky darkening to a deep indigo. A scant amount paused to gaze at the treasures that lay within the shop but none entered. They cared more to reach home to their families.

Except for the Sales Assistant. Her heart beat solely for money, for the accumulation of it.

She was roused from her rumination by the tinkling of a bell. Her head wrenched up, as a response to this long coveted fanfare and she stood up and smoothed her crumpled clothing. A figure from the outside realm entered, a gleam of sunlight from the doorway and then the door slammed shut.

The figure was a middle-aged woman, diminutive with greying hair. Light flickered in the Sales Assistant's deadened eyes. "Jewellery, you say, Madam. Well of course we've got plenty of that, as you can see." A faux synchopatic smile firm upon her face, the Sales Assistant steered her bemused customer around the display cabinets, like a predator leading its prey to its demise.

But the customer could not be, would not be satisfied. She desired something that little extra unique; it was her daughter's thirtieth birthday the next week. She did not care how much she spent on it. Upon hearing this, the Assistant's eyes sparkled.

'I have something very special for you then,'¯ she informed the customer. 'Now I warn you this is a bit pricey. But I guarantee your daughter will charmed with it.'¯

The customer's interest heightened. She followed the Sales Assistant to the till and waited as the assistant proceeded behind the till and leant down to pick something up. What she brought out and placed on the till looked like a plain wooden box. She opened it.

The customer drew back in amazement at what she was observing. Within the box lay several gold chains. Attached to the end of each chain was what appeared be to nuggets of smooth rotund gold. But what made these necklaces extraordinary was the almost otherworldly luminescence that the necklaces radiated. It was comparable to no metal that the customer had ever seen previously.

'Remarkable'¯ declared the customer, leaning forward for a closer inspection. 'May I?'¯ she asked extending her hand towards the necklaces.

The Sales Assistant nodded, and the customer took one and held it up before her. The metal felt warm, but not uncomfortably so. She examined it but her inspection brought her to no conclusion.

'What metal is this?'¯ she questioned the Sales Assistant.

The Sales Assistant gave her a wry smile, 'A very rare type of gold, mined in South America.'¯

'And what makes it glow in such an ethereal way?'¯

'That is the puzzle madam. It must be one of the characteristics of the gold.'¯

The customer knew as she stood there with the necklace in her hand that it would be infeasible for her to exit the shop without it. And so, she rasped hoarsely, 'How much?'¯

The Sales Assistant inclined forward and practically whispered the price. The customer's eyes widened but her surprise at the amount did not halt her from withdrawing her credit card from her purse. The assistant processed the sale and placed the necklace within a gift box, which the customer slid into her tote.

The customer gathered herself, said goodbye to the assistant and departed the shop. The assistant observed her exit with an intense expression upon her face. Then she replaced the lid on the box containing the necklaces- attached to fragments of her soul.

A sinister smile slid across her face as she placed the box beneath the till ready for the next customer.

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Comments  
nonalienabductee Comment by: nonalienabductee Online- 2007-03-01 20:41
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Hmm . . . this is good, but there are quite a few things that are bothering me. First of all, it's far too obvious from the beginning that the salesgirl is evil. Give us a little bit more of a puzzle! Secondly, why is she tearing up her own soul for this jewelry? Although she lets a "sinister smile slid[e] across her face," I don't understand why exactly that seems to be a bad thing.

And a stupid problem, but it bugged me anyways--somebody wiling to pay that much (whatever it was) for a present is not going to let her hair go grey. Nooo way.

Anyways, I liked the creepiness, and it was a intriguing idea.
chrispavey Comment by: chrispavey - 2007-02-04 15:12
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What a fantastic short story. Have you tried getting this published? I really enjoyed the read and the sinister ending to it. Great job!

I thought the first two paragraphs were good actually, as it set the scene well for me with the coldness of the day.

Only a few small things jolted me:

It was comparable to no metal that the customer had ever seen (previously). I didn't like previously here. You don't need it as we already know that you are talking past here.

The customerā??s eyes widened(just need a comma here), but her surprise at the amount did not halt her from withdrawing her credit card from her purse.

I look forward to reading some of your other work. great stuff.
Comment by: - 2007-01-30 02:23
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Simple yet imaginitive. Every month we get a magazine to our house. I think my dad buys it for the £50,000 draw only i never see anyone read it to be honest. Anyway, they have a section on short stories, and all of them are very similar to this. Everyday events and dramas that are very compelling to read.

My only niggle was in the first two paragraphs. I felt some verbs and nouns were bogged down with more adjectives than needed. eg " dimly lit jewelery store" it might be just me, but it was too much detail in an opening for the store. Maybe stating she sat at the windiw of the jewlelery store would have been smother.

Thanks for the read. : D
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By LadyC

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