“Hello and welcome. Skip Jensen here and today we have a very special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Shade Specter.”
“Thanks a lot, great to be here.”
“Now Mr. Specter, is this correct? Says here you’re a zombie.”
“Um, actually we prefer walking dead or cognizantly challenged. Zombie is a derogatory slang and just like any other minority, we feel we deserve basic rights and respect.”
“Right, but you’re a zombie. Granted, you do come off a tad more eloquent than I suspected. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re still a non-living brain-eater.”
“See, right there. The stereotypes are ridiculous and insulting. Not all of us eat brains. Sure, there are some cognizantly challenged individuals that do graze on the occasional human cerebrum-most of which are barely being used anyway. Many of us now feast on sewer rats, road kill, or even stray cats. That’s right-we’re civilized, just like you breathers.”
“Of course. So what other stereotypes are displayed against your kind?”
“My kind?”
“Well, you know. Zom-I mean non…living…un…dead…um, the question?”
“Right. First off there’s the whole dangling the arms out in front while shuffling aimlessly and making a uuurrrgggggghhh sound. Again, don’t get me wrong-they exist, but few and far between. We don’t make opinions on all of the living based on how Tom Cruise acts on Oprah’s couch.”
“Touché.”
“Our efforts at the C.C.A.F.-”
“The C.C.A.F.?”
“The Cognizantly Challenged Assistance Foundation. That’s why I’m here today, to promote the foundation. We feel that the cognizantly challenged have a negative stigma attached which is simply unfair. Whether it be video games, movies, or books; we’re always portrayed as the bad guy. Always the one eating innocent brains or chasing down a hot babe. Never an undead love story. Where’s the tale of the great zombie hero?”
“I thought the word zombie was-”
“It is, coming from you. However, we say it to each other all the time, like hey, how’s my zombie or that’s one crazy zombie. It’s complicated. But that’s unimportant, I’m here today to discuss equal rights. We want to vote, drive a car, and engage in the sanctity of marriage.”
“Yeah well, wouldn’t hold my breath on that last one. There’s nothing more sacred to decision makers than the everlasting bond sealed together by holy matrimony between, specifically, a living man and a living woman.”
“But more than half of all marriages currently end in divorce.”
“No need to cloud the issue with facts here, zombie.”
“Now that’s just uncalled for.”
“Sorry, you’re right. I lost it for a second there.”
“mumble*mumble*mumble.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said…I’ll eat your fucking brains.”
“Nice. That should help your cause. Any other comments for the living before we go?”
“Yeah, John Edward is full of shit!”
“Why you no good brain-eater!”
“Breather!”
“Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight folks. I’d like to thank my zombie guest Shade Specter the filthy brain eater.”
“Your brain, some fava beans…a nice Chianti...”
“Once again, Skip Jensen brings you the big interview. Goodnight folks.”
© Copyright 2006 jackthomas. All rights reserved.
