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DeepWaters
Lasheka Lowe
United States

Words: 353
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Cheap Clown

CHEAP CLOWN

AT NIGHT I SOMETIMES DREAM. I DREAM THE DREAMS OF A THOUSAND DEATHS. A THOUSAND SOULS SCREAMING IN THEIR ETERNAL PAIN. I'M NOT QUITE THAT FAR... BUT WE ALL HAVE GOALS.

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP REFRESHED, ANTISIPATING THE DAY TO COME, THE SOUL I WILL TAKE. WHEN I SHOWER I CAN STILL FEEL THEIR SOFT AND SMOOTH BODIES AGAINST MINE. AH THE BEAUTY OF YOUTH. EVEN THE SIX YEAR OLDS HAVE SOFT HANDS.

MY DAYS ARE PLANNED PERFECTLY, AND ARE NEATLY WRITTEN IN MY DAY PLANNER. AS I PUT ON MY MAKE-UP AND RED NOSE I THINK HAPPILY 'JUST WHAT KIND OF BIRTHDAY LITTLE JESSICA WILL HAVE TODAY?'


JESSICA ANN WALTON'S 7TH BIRTHDAY
1221 MARY BEACH RD.
JULY 20 4:20 PM


PULLING INTO THE DRIVEWAY OF MY LATEST LITTLE FRIEND I SEE THE USUAL DECORATIONS. THE USUAL OVER THE TOP BANNERS AND STREMMERS RICH PEOPLE THINK THEIR CHILDREN CARE ABOUT.

THE PARTY WAS OKAY THE KIDS WERE MORE EXCITED ABOUT THE OVERPRICED PONY TO CARE MUCH ABOUT A CHEAP CLOWN. I DIDN'T CARE THOUGH IT ONLY GAVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY TO WATCH JESSICA.

SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL JUST LIKE HER PICTURE. SHE HAD GOLD INNOCENT EYES AND LIPS TO DIE FOR. I COULDN'T WAIT TO KISS THEM, TO TASTE HER INNOCENCE.

AS I LEFT THE HOME OF THE WALTON'S I WATCHED THEIR SECURITY SYSTEM OR LACK THERE OF. YOU'D THINK PEOPLE WITH MONEY WOULD TRY TO PROTECT IT, BUT NOT THE WALTONS THEY HAD A SIMPLE BRGULER ALARM WHICH NO DOUBT STILL RECYCLED THE GENERIC CODE 911411, THIS PRIZE WILL BE AN EASY WIN.


THE WALTON'S
1221 MARY BEACH RD.
JULY 31 1:23 AM

I HAVE BEEN WATCHING HER SLEEP FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES. SHE IS SO PEACFUL, SO BEAUTIFUL. I DON' T WANT TO DESTURB HER BUT MY DESIRE IS GROWING. I HAVE TO HAVE HER.

I PLACE A SMOOTH CLOTH OVER HER MOUTH AND LISTEN TO HER BREATHING BECOME EVEN MORE RELAXED. I THINK SHE WILL LIKE HER NEW HOME.


A DARK BASEMENT
UNKNOWN PLACE
JULY 31 1:59 AM

"WAKE UP BEAUTIFUL, YOU'RE HOME!"


(.../)
(=';'=)
(_(")(")LDL

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Comments  
snakebite Comment by: snakebite - 2007-06-10 06:48
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"I DREAM THE DREAMS OF A THOUSAND DEATHS". I like this phrase a lot. It has a rather spooky touch to it and it elicits an uncomfortable feeling too. It grabbed my attention and made me want to read on.
The comparison between the Walton's and a Dark Basement was effective too.
The shortness of the story combined with the rather abrupt ending roused my curiosity. I enjoyed this story.
One suggestion: maybe you should check the spelling of some of the words, such as "BRGULER" and "ANTISIPATING".
wordsart Comment by: wordsart - 2007-02-10 08:39
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Hey! This is creepy!

My son is a clown and sometimes does children's parties... always for rich people who like you say think that bright coloured plastic beats proper love!!

But he's a regular clown.. no vampire!!

It's a spooky story and nicely told. I did find all caps hard on the eye. It is easier to scan a line of text if you have caps only at the front of the sentences and the tails and risers of the other letters make reading easier too.

My only suggestion with your storytelling is that maybe you could give us less hints at the beginning that the clown is a weirdo, then it would be more a shock at the end?

You might flesh out the top a bit to set the scene for the clown preparing for his job and make sure any early hints about his real intentions can be read as normal clown thinking, until you want to divulge the direction of the story.

I hope that's helpful. It's only my opinion so please feel free to disregard if you think it won't work.

:-) Jenni
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By DeepWaters

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