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Once We Were Young (Draft)
Once we were young
cradling the blueness of sky
within the embrace of an eye
as we skimmed over incoming sea
minds racing, hearts beating -
just you and me
Once we were friends
basking in the sunlit promise
of days with no end
when yesterday's bark
was better than today's bite
Once we were young
but now we grow old
blood once hot, runs cold
as we watch our lives roll by
gradually spat out by life
we wait once more to be swallowed -
and die
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| This is a really good 'times have changed'-type poem. The only thing is that the first stanza stands out slightly. Maybe just a little edit would suffice. Nicely done. |
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Comment by: - 2007-02-22 09:38
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i really liked this, gavin. the only thing i got stuck on was this line:
"blood once hot, runs cold"
i think i would have written, "blood once hot now runs cold"
it just kept reading that way in my head...but maybe it would screw with your flow or something.
nice piece:-) |
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Comment by: ripleym - 2007-02-17 12:58
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Gavin, though a little defeatist (that's the impression I got), this is a marvellous poem. The lines that best sum it up for me are:
'when yesterday's bark
was better than today's bite'
I love the way that you take us from loving nostlagia to a present day, where the voice changes to one that is just rolling over, preparing to take it where the sun don't shine.
I hope this isn't reflective of the author... |
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There is a very "Americana" nostalgia charm to this piece. Very free and open in the word chocies, and also in the meter and verse.
great write.thanks for sharing this piece,
peace,
MM |
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| I liked this Gavin. I think your opining stanza needs just a bit of work though. |
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