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dream
I caught a glimpse of your flowing white dress as you danced through my cloudy mind.
Just a glimpse, a hint of a smile and a longing for that I cannot touch.
I can still smell the gardenia that you were wearing in your hair.
The one I cut for you from the neighbor's yard well after midnight when all was quiet.
My sock feet still wet from the morning dew, I remember sliding it behind your ear,
carefully as to not bruise a petal and sealing it in place with a squeeze and a kiss to the cheek.
Breathing it in, in all of its splendor, making me weak in the knees. Some things I will remember always even if they happened in my dreams.
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| Nicely expressed. I could feel the love. |
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Comment by: fredav - 2007-03-11 12:21
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Nice write, Ken. I gotta agree with Mea on using line breaks. I think incorporating some would add to the effect of the poem. your vividness and eye for detail really work well. this was an awesome dream. :)
freda |
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| Hey there. I think this is a nice scene, but you need some commas here and there, just to make this easier to read. Also, in the sentence about sliding the gardenia behind this woman's ear, you should specify "the flower" or something instead of having just "it" there, because you start the line talking about your feet, and the way it's phrased, it looks like you're sliding socked feet past her ears. :D Just basic grammar stuff. Nice piece, though. |
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| So sweet. My favorite kind of read. |
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| This was a nice read. You could feel the love and the way he cared for this lady. One suggestion would be to use some paragraph breaks just to make it easier to read. Nicely done Ken. |
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