This is a bunch of mainly dialogue based short shorts (usually 60 words)- an attempt at humour.

****

BEGINNING

'I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with 's'.'

'Sand.'

'Yep.'

'I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with 's'.'

'Sea.'

'Yep.'

'I spy with my little-@

'Four months.'

'Pardon?'

'We've been playing 'I spy' on this island for four months. It's always 'sand,' 'sea'-

'Ship!'

'Really!'

'Nah, only kidding. What are you doing with that big stick?'

****

GRASS

'It's not your brother's fault you're in trouble.'

'Is so - he grassed'

'But you killed it.'

'Didn't mean it.'

'Who fed the pet rat?'

'Me.'

'Who fed it tortilla chips, jalapenos and chocolate ice-cream washed down with a drink of Vimto?'

'I did.'

'Well?'

'You never said not to give it Vimto.'

'It wasn't the .... oh, I give up!'

****

WITHDRAWAL

'So, what was it like?'

'Sore, a bit messy, but good ' dead passionate.'

'Are you and him going steady now?'

'Of course we are!'

'I only asked. I hope he used a condom.'

'Nah, he doesn't like them.'

'But you'll get pregnant!'

'No ' he used the withdrawal method.'

'What's that?'

'So long as he leaves right afterwards, everything is okay.'

****

ALIEN

'Where did you get it?'

'Earth.'

'What's it for?'

'I thought we could use it as a domestic.'

'Hmm'�maybe. Have you checked if it works?'

'I was just about to plug it in. Want to watch?'

The human danced in pain and dropped, frazzled, to the floor.

'It probably shouldn't do that.'

'Wrong voltage?'

'Probably. Try another?'

'Sure. Why not?'

****

CLOUD

'What are you going to call her?'

'I thought I'd go for something unusual, know what I mean?'

'Yeah, I like unusual names ' so what have you chosen?'

'Cloud.'

'Cloud?'

'Yeah.'

'You can't call a wee baby Cloud ' that's just stupid.'

'Can if I want. What you calling yours?'

'I'm naming her after my favourite film.'

'What's that then?'

'Pocahontas.'


****

LAMENT

'Why can't I have a long lie? I don't want to get up. It's not fair.'

'I know it seems that way, sometimes life isn't fair.'

'Yeah, right! What do you know? It's okay for you -.you don't have to go. You don't know what it's like. I hate school!'

'Yes, dear, I know. But you are the Head Master.'

****

SMOKE

'Want a ciggy?'

'Nah ' I've chucked it.'

'How come?'

'Are you daft? It's a killer. Every cigarette takes you one step closer to oblivion ' I've decided to start walking backwards. I'm going on a health kick.'

'Aye, fair enough. See you down the pub later?'

'Aye ' get me a pint and a wee half. I feel like getting wasted tonight.'

****

CONCLUSION

'What do you think?'

'I'm not convinced.'

'He seems to like them.'

'How can you tell?'

'He smiled.'

'First you make roller skates for your tortoise, now you're telling me it can smile?'

'Yeah, not as obvious as the snail-'

'This would be the snail on the skateboard?'

'Yep.'

'Next time you buy a pet, maybe you should get a greyhound.''


****

COLOUR

'So, are you going to hire me?'

'Well, we're impressed with your qualifications, and with your interview performance. However, we take a dim view of your decision to paint yourself blue. Our positive discrimination policy doesn't apply to Smurfs - not even genuine Smurfs.'

'That's unfair. I'm an ethnic minority.'

'That's life, pal. Send in the Womble on your way out.'


****

THE STING IN THE TAIL

'You took a consolidated loan?'

'Aye, that's right.'

'Where you put all your wee debts into one manageable loan with easy monthly payments?'

'Aye, that's the idea.'

'So how's that working out for you?'

'I've just sold my kidney to raise this month's interest, what do you think?'

'Not so good then, eh? Are you going to eat those grapes?'

***

DISTANT VOICES


'Did you hear that?'�

'What?'

'Those voices.'

'Don't start this carry on again, Joe ' just keep working.'

'I'm telling you, Kenny, I heard them.'

'Know somethin', son? I'm gettin' really fed up with this joke. It's not funny.'

'Funny? Kenny, I'm crappin' myself - I can hear them!'

'Aye, well, maybe you're not cut out to be a grave digger, eh?'

****

SO AFRAID

'Why were you so afraid?'�

'Doh! Guess it was the black hood, scythe and red eyes.'�

'This look scares you?'�

'Yeah, 'course it scares me.'�

'But why? It's just my uniform.'�

'You're Death, pal. Everybody's afraid of Death.'�

'Afraid of the inevitable? You humans are very strange? Though it certainly explains the funny looks I've been getting all these years.'�

****

HOPE

'Do you think he saw us?'�

'Of course he saw us. We're eighteen, we're blonde, we've been rubbing ourselves up against the stage and we're practically naked ' how could he miss us?'�

'Do you think he was singing 'Angels' to us?'�

'Of course he was!'�

'Should we have flashed our boobs like the other girls?'�

'Nah ' that would've been tacky.'�

****

DRUNKEN RANT

They sat on the bench in George Square.

'Ah love you. Naw, really ' ah do. Ah really, really love you. You're ma best mate. Ah 'hink you're magic, by the way. Whit's the matter, no talkin'? Aw well, fuck you then, ya torn faced basturt. You lookin' at me? You fuckin' lookin' at me?'�

The pigeon flew away ' feelings hurt.

****

DELICATE OPERATION

'We should never have agreed to perform the surgery ' she's overweight, she's unfit ' I can't increase the anaesthetic level any further - you have to hurry.'

'I'm working as fast as I can ' it's a tricky operation. I'll give it one more try.'

Finally, he felt it. There was a snip followed by a twang.

'Got it,' he sighed.

Another thongectomy successfully completed.

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