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Hollykinz
Holly Taylor
United Kingdom, Rushden, Northants

Words: 171
Access: Public
Comments: 3

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Welcome to my world

Come with me,
Take my hand and let me lead you,
Into my world,
Where it rains my tears,
And my broken dreams
Hang from the ceiling
You would see your face,
Glint in the blackness of each of them,
With me in the corner,
My body covered in cuts and bruises,
Skin withered and purple,
Where you kept me chained to your soul,
Can't move my arms to touch you,
Can't move my head to kiss you.

The pressure is too strong,
The want too much,
The willingness to accept too little,
Bonds ready to break,
Thoughts wanting to escape,
My eyes twisting and manipulating,
You're written thoughts,
Until the contours resemble the ones I want to see,
And the letters leak blood,
That funny feeling in my throat,
Appearing just at the mention of your name,
Trying to not scream out my true feelings,
Just to see if it could change anything.

And I realise as I lift my head to the stars,
It would not'¦

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Comments  
BumpSkillz Comment by: BumpSkillz - 2007-03-14 21:32
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This is pretty decent. There really doesn't seem to be any design to the poem in terms of structure (14 line stanza, then 13, then 2) and there's no consistent flow to it (it seems more like a blog in stanzas); but then, modern poetry doesn't really need any of that, and I've been known to throw those things out of the window from time to time. (Although I wonder if that promotes laziness in us poets sometimes.) Also, you're only 15 years old, so you still have plenty of time to dig deeper into your poetic side and learn more about poetry in general as you go through college. Like "Dudethissucks" said, the poem serves its purpose, and there are definitely some well-described feeling and thoughts here. Keep writing, and let's see how this poem evolves over time if you decide to revise it in a few years... :) You definitely show some positive writing qualities considering your age.
Dudethissucks Comment by: Dudethissucks - 2007-03-03 20:00
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It's not love if you're a slave to it. Sounds more like an unprecedented infatuation. Personally I like happy endings and some good ol' rhyming. But the poem serves its purpose I suppose, and ends bleakly.
soldierinchrist Comment by: soldierinchrist - 2007-02-18 12:24
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this is pretty good
1

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By Hollykinz

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