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End of the Cycle
Looking through the glass and rotten dust,
I see waves of fear and broken trust.
Stars in the night fall from the sky,
The sky plummets down from up high.
Digging through the trash and fallen dust,
Hearts of men destroyed by untamed lust.
Bones broken by granite stones.
The earth quakes, the heavens shake.
The soul of one feels the eyes of another.
Son against father, daughter against mother.
Crawling over the dirt and frozen ground,
Lightning strikes with a deafening sound.
Over the tempest of the raging seas,
The devil chases and the soul flees.
The night like the day and the day like night,
Darkness surrounding, pain enfolding, draining thy might.
Look through the fear.
Shed the tear.
Past the up and the down.
Watch it all plummet into the ground.
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I agree with "father", this would read much better split up into stanzas. I see five. This is a good piece. There's a Biblical undertone in this one that is played out well in the imagery. I like it.
Yvylyn |
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Comment by: father - 2007-02-21 18:56
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| Talent is a gift and to marry thoughts to that talent is not done by chance. You have the gift. But, to make this poem more powerful and readable I would break it up into stanza's. Also, man should be men. The change makes the phrase all encompassing. Great job! |
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| Gripping. |
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I love the line "Over the tempest of the raging seas,
The devil chases and the soul flees." Your language give the reader a little peep hole into the scenery of the settings you choose....Nice work! |
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"and rotten dust,""and fallen dust," I feel this is in ineffective repetition, you have such a talent for very animated descriptive language, I feel that this could be more powerful..It felt as though you were saying the say thing as you did in the first line.
Overall as I mentioned your words are awesome, they are full of captivating description.. Particularly though I love these lines, "Over the tempest of the raging seas,
The devil chases and the soul flees." I like it. |
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