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Good Intentions
Your heart,
a clenched fist.
Your tongue
scratches like sandpaper
against mine.
Your words
are as honest
as your treacherous
tongue.
Your countless
intentions
strangle me.
You smile
as I turn your
favourite shade
of purple.
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I laughed at this, as I saw myself in many of these lines - sometimes good intentions are just not enough.
I like how you present two images and hold them up against each other - the heart vs the clenched fist, the tongue vs sandpaper (cat tongue!). This emphasises the meaning in each. I love the irony in the last stanza, and the personification of intentions strangling someone. Very enjoyable to read. |
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The last stanza in this piece is definitely the best one.
I'm an advocate of not using a single word as an entire line in poetry unless it's there for punch or I have a reason - I ask you what reason you chose to make S3 - li. 4 and s4 - li. 2 single words?
I almost feel as if this piece might be stronger, tighter, if you scrunch it into one stanza and play with enjambment.
Otherwise, I think you've got some great turns of phrase here, some neat images. Thought comparing a heart to a clenched fist is a little cliche. |
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