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Flashback
Eyes glaze over in spacey depressions
A slingshot with an elastic kickback
Mind bending every episode in my head
What lies? Only the impressions
It seems the truth is lack
Once in a rerun, our fable gets fed.
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I really like the language. I took the term 'spacey' to mean when you're feeling disconnected.
I think you could dispense with the strict rhyming and just use it where it has the most impact and even where it's unexpected. |
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"It seems the truth is lack"
I know you want to force the rhyme, but for me, this line should be 'It seems the truth is lacking', or even 'It seems the truth lacks'.
Not too sure what you mean by that adjective 'spacey'- it's got quite a loose meaning, and I would be looking for something more specific. |
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| I particularly liked the last line. Overall, I like the way you use words |
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Comment by: Cherley - 2007-06-02 23:36
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| Love you avatar. |
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Comment by: Cherley - 2007-06-02 23:36
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| It is interesting and we do fill in the blanks. I loved the first line. It's like with a painting or reading, we fill in what's not there, sometimes we may fill it in wrongly. |
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