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Casper
Derrick Kuebler
United States, Utah, Salt Lake

Words: 195
Access: Public
Comments: 5

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Cold Water

The water in the bath tub sits still in complete stagnation. Within the porcelain walls of the bath tub is about two degrees above the freezing point, cold enough to paralyze living thing that comes in contact with it. I quickly grasp the finely cut glass door knob, opening the white wooden door with a quiet clicking. My other arm is occupied; it twists at my elbows holding her neck still in an inescapable lock. She struggles and gasps for deep and heavy breathes of air, air that hardly makes it past my choking grip. I drag her soon to be corpse across the polished black and white tiled floor, her bare feet squeeking across the floor in an earsplitting way. With my free hand I slam the side of her head into the porcelain wall of the tub nearly knocking her unconcious. But as near as it was it wasn't quite near enough. I force her head over the side of the tub and into the cold water and for a second her body twitches instinctively but then when that momment is over her muscles relax as if to accept the inevetable death.

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Comments  
Thula7 Comment by: Thula7 - 2008-06-30 20:29
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This has a good piece in it. By that I mean, slow down. You seem to write in stream-of-consciousness form, right from imagination to keyboard and you miss words, or have typo's that don't get caught. Re-read your pieces before posting them, or read them outloud to hear the words as you've writtne them. I liked the descriptions, but the killer felt flat. I didn't get his anger or evil or what motivates him. If it truly is nothing, then he is far more scarier. However you need to still need to make him real. I would be interested in reading a re-write.
SeviL NataS Comment by: SeviL NataS - 2007-02-26 17:29
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I like it a lot...I think that it has a lot of meaning to it, but that I haven't figured out yet.
Comment by: - 2007-02-23 17:44
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Wow, very cryptic, which seems to be your forte. You have good ideas but they seem to need further development to take your reader to where you are when you write them. There are several grammatical errors that I hope you edit out of it. I feel you have good story ideas but need to get into developing them more into stories.
KeepBreathing Comment by: KeepBreathing - 2007-02-21 09:23
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Ooh, creepy and intense. I love it, it is so beautifully written and the epitome of evil and strength. I like it... ;)
Comment by: - 2007-02-20 20:22
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Well I dont want to be the first person to comment on this because I dont think i'll be much help but here goes.

Its very chilling and disturbing. Things like this gives me the shivers and I do not enjoy reading these sort of pieces.

However if it was your goal to make the reader cringe and glance over their shoulder well then you've done a great job.

I'm not saying I dont like this piece, I do, I just do not like what its about. Feel unfortnate to have read something so eery however I think it is well written.

Does that make sense?

Best Wishes, Jenn
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