This is not a play - it's a comedy sketch for radio, but that option doesn't exist. Just a wee piece of nonsense inspired by the TV series, Rome.

*****


ANCIENT ROME. HOME OF A SOOTHSAYER.

SOUNDS OF ANIMALS SQUEALING, BIRDS SQUAWKING, MONEY JINGLING.

ENTER JULIUS CAESAR

SOOTHSAYER: Julius Caesar! To what do we owe this honour - this visit by the great man to our lowly home?

CAESAR: I am told that you are the greatest soothsayer in all Rome. That not only do you predict the future, but that you have the sense to keep secret the names of your visitors and the outcome of their readings. Is this true?

SOOTHSAYER: Indeed Caesar, my words are truth and my clients' identities guarded with my life, such as it is. Just ask Mark Anthony, Brutus and Pompey ' they come here all the time.

CAESAR: I am also told that you use the most modern methods of prediction, is this true?

SOOTHSAYER: Indeed, no hocus pocus in my business. Only the most modern and effective methods

CAESAR: Very well - I shall trust you. Now, I need your help on a personal matter. There is a young lady to whom I am very attracted - would this affair be wise?

SOOTHSAYER: Just give me a second. (CALLS OUT) Bring the goat!

SOUND OF AN ANIMAL BEING DRAGGED IN.

SOOTHSAYER: Give me the knife - the big sharp one with the serrated edge. That's the one. (SOUNDS OF ANIMAL SQUEALING THEN A THUMP) Right, let's get a look at this liver. (A SLICING SOUND) Hmmm... well, it's not exactly clear.

CAESAR: Not clear? How can it not be clear? You have the sacrificial liver, you have opened it, what does it say, man?

SOOTHSAYER: It seems to say that if the lady is unmarried, is one of your subjects, is keen on you, and if her family does not object, then this could be a very fruitful affair.

CAESAR: Excellent news! I shall send for her at once. Now, I also have a problem with some land entrusted to my family - some farming land. Will the crop be fine this year?

SOOTHSAYER: Let us go and watch the sacred chickens eat - they are the best auguries of agricultural questions. (SOUND OF HENS PECKING) Ah, yes, this looks well indeed, Caesar. You see?

CAESAR: What? They're eating grain, it's what chickens do - I cannot read the signs. What does it mean?

SOOTHSAYER: It means that, should your pastures be blessed with sun and rain, should the crops be free of weeds, should they be free of locusts and other pests, then this will be the finest crop ever gathered. Excellent news.

CAESAR: Wonderful - you truly are a gifted seer.

SOOTHSAYER: I am merely the instrument of the sight - I interpret the signs presented to me. It is my humble lot in life. Now, is there anything else?

CAESAR: Yes, there is a matter of state. I wasn't going to mention it, but since you have done so well with my other worries, I will entrust this question to you. I have heard rumours of a plot against me, that some of the senate are unhappy under my guidance. I cannot believe it to be true. I am due to address the senate on important issues, how will the speech go?

SOOTHSAYER: For matters of state we should attend to the flight of the birds. Let us see.

(SOUND OF BIRDS FLAPPING)

SOOTHSAYER: The signs could not be more propitious ' you see how that bird flies to the west, the others to the east?

CAESAR: Erm, yes, yes, of course - and that is good?

SOOTHSAYER: Good? It is more than good ' your speech will be remembered for all time. But to make sure ' let us do one more test. (CALLING OUT) Bring me young Marcus!

SOUND OF TWO PEOPLE ENTERING.

SOOTHSAYER: Young Marcus, drink this potion. (TO CAESAR) The boy will drink the potion and I will interpret his mumblings.

MARCUS: (RAVING MADLY) Death ... apples ... evil ...jugs ... murder ... milk ... stab ... horse ... danger ... honey ...

SOUND OF A SLAP, THEN SILENCE

SOOTHSAYER: Well, that went rather well. It seems your concerns are unfounded and all will be fine.

CAESAR: But he spoke of death, of evil, surely-

SOOTHSAYER: No, no - you must not take the words literally. I am here to interpret those words - believe me, you have nothing to fear. And look, look at the birds. They are even giving us the best date for your speech. The 15th of March is looking good.

FADE OUT TO SOUND OF ANIMALS, BIRDS AND MONEY JINGLING.

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