Unspeakable
I could never tell them I didn't love you
I couldn't love you in case it meant that you were taken away
Away to heaven like the others
How could a mother just block those feeling away
Was our family cursed
Was it my fault
If only you were a girl
If only you were a girl


Death
That was my ultimate fear I didn't want you to die and if I loved you I thought you would
The mind plays tricks they died and I loved them so much and they weren't even my babies
What if I loved you more then you would to
That's what it said over and over
don't love him he'll be taken to heaven
don't love him
don't love him

Veiled
Buried unhappiness masked by a smile
I could bath, feed, change even laugh and smile with you
I never knew that I could conceal my feeling so well
I don't think people ever suspected how low I was
How scared I felt
How shadowed by that dark cloud I was under
Sinking lower
Sinking faster
Going under

Lost
As you bonded more and more with your dad
I felt a sense of realise
At least you were getting love from someone
Not the fake masked love I gave you
But then I felt so lost
I didn't deserve you, if they knew id lose you
People were now taking you away from me I could see
you loved them more
If I was not with you how could I protect you
Felling so scared
I cannot breath
I cannot breath
Help me please

Alone
Now I feel so alone even though I have a family
It never felt this way with my daughter
You seem to grow bigger and bigger
No matter how hard I try to recall I don't feel like I was a part of it
I can not remember your first smile or step
Even though I was there
Its like it happened to someone else
And I was alone
Locked in despair
Locked in the dark

Scared
This will never end or the end will mean the fears coming true
That I will have to see another white box lowered again
Containing something precious that I never had chance to love the way I wonted to
You are so loved by everyone people say your such a special little boy
I want to scream I know but all they get is a nod and that fake smile all over again
Whilst really I am screaming I wont to break free see what they see
How I want to love
For all the world to see
But I locked it so tight
But I now feel like I can fight.


Confused
That sometimes the fog lifts away and I feel this warm feeling
You do something so funny and cute and without thinking I smile
Then I descend again into the darkness that consumed me
The fog is less frequent and you start to come to me
I smother you with love because I can
You reached the goal you made it to two
Maybe it wont be you
Maybe you'll be spared
Maybe you wont die.

Released
From this emptiness free from the fog
I realise that all the fears were irrational
That just because it happened to others does not mean it will happen to you
I know I felt that way because I loved you the whole time
Unconditionally, and painfully
I am sorry for the demons that were inside
Because you deserved more
To be loved by me
And I deserved
To have you as my son


promises
I am sorry we missed out on so much together
You are beautiful, loving and kind and special and most of all you are my son
I will love you to the depths of my inner soul
And will always protect you forever I will help you grow and be the greatest you can be
And I will love you forever and be thankful we had chance to bond
Because I am free
To love you
And be loved back.

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