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That's my boy
Feces sketched surfaces
paints our picture
little boy stands
unclad
resembling walls
process repeats
over and over
Boy sits
reclusive mute
putting patterns
on invisable paper
order
in the form
of peerless friends
figures on parade
Boy crouches
lips chewed
singing songs
minus words
as fingers assemble
intricate numbers
Boy lays
on chess board
wakes
eyes full of color
bulb burns
brighter
introducing strangers
delayed voice
speaks spotless truth
connecter
of mind frames
interpreter
of silence
Boy walks
The Growing Hero
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| Great work. I have a young son myself so I felt like this made a good deal of sense to me - even if I made it do so in my own way. I loved the short lines but how effective they were - felt like everything was properly placed and there was no excess. Thanks for sharing it. |
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be more inclined to have longer line lengths...cutting into a few sparse verses.. changed putting to placing as indicate more care and tenderness..in the action..some good image here that can be missed, from the short line length
Feces sketched surfaces: paints our picture
little boy stands
unclad
resembling walls, process repeats
over and over. Boy sits: Reclusive mute
placing patterns
on in-visable paper
order |
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Very nice. Very nice. Truly. This has the makings of an excellent piece. Sincerity, tone, voice, pace and theme.
When I first read this, it was immediately apparent that autism was a theme here, so the tone and voice were constant and true. Bravo for capturing that in the tone and verbage that. I wanted to dislike the repeating of "boy" over and again, but when I re-read (2x) I felt that it would have lost some of the "voice" and "theme" without having repeated "boy". So bravo again. There is a disjointed pace and a hard consonant sound to the piece which also struck me as a nuance of undertone that backs up the theme of autism. Imagery good, pace good, word use good.
I would like to offer some very honest comments on certain areas, technical ones, that structurally threw me a little: Here:
"Boy crouches
lips chewed
as fingers assemble
intricate numbers
singing songs
minus words"
the "singing songs minus words" should refer to the boy (I believe) but the way that it is placed within the section, coming after "intricate numbers" it is technically modifying the numbers and not the boy. I might recommend placing "singing songs minus words" after the "lips chewed", as this is the "mouth" area, would lead well to the singing sans words and the reference would go back to the boy and not the numbers.
"Lays down on chess board"...you can eliminate "down" since, if he lays, "down" is implied through positioning, be it partial or total supine, in one way or another... and the word "down" weakens as opposed to strengthens the phrase. Might say "naps" instead of lays down since he later wakes up.
Finally, the "introducing strangers" modifier threw me a little. I wonder is he viewing the people as strangers?, because the modifier in this case can only go back to the boy as if he is introducing strangers as opposed to them being introduced to him. It might very well be that I misread this section, so take it with a grain of salt if I am wrong.
Anyway, a read, much enjoyed and well worth my time, and I hope you feel that the review is equally as worthy.
Truly,
Chris |
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| Thank you very much. I appreciate your comments. I didn't know how this might read to others, with more focus being on the quirks. But I wanted to show his methodical routines from the begining and how they developed into his talents now. |
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Comment by: Ethgar - 2007-02-28 07:47
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| Incredibly heartfelt words form a loving mother... I wish I could be more constructive but all I can think to say is that it's beautiful poetry. |
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