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fishbowl42
Glenn Gordon
United States, Idaho

Words: 483
Access: Public
Comments: 9

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The Box (Monster Flash Challenge)

The box lay on the linoleum floor in the kitchen. I stumbled into his store by accident looking for an antique shop. The air was stale and musty as my eyes rested on the box. It was skillfully woven with dark willow, reminding me of a jewelry box I had when I was a child. I couldn't help my self; I had to purchase it. The old man told me it was a rare animal from the hidden mountains of Tibet. The old man snickered as I asked if I could take a look, telling me only its rightful owner could look upon it.

I brought it home with me in a rush. My heart was racing with each step closer to my apartment. Once inside, I closed the blinds and locked the door. I then rushed to the kitchen, kicking off my sandals, and set it down. Barefoot, I paced for a few moments before I sat down to stare at the box. For hours I was transfixed on my new treasure. It occasionally teetered and emitted a curdling 'Maw'¯ sound, sending nails down my spine and fire across my flesh. I eventually fell asleep on the kitchen floor, to afraid to open it. The key to the box had been clenched in my hand, but dropped to the ground with a thud and a clink as I finally dozed off.

It was dark and the same stale musty smell from the old man's shop haunted me. I could see a dim light in the distance, and heard the faint 'Maw'¯. It sounded like a bird call, but not the pleasant chirp of a nightingale. No, this was more like the sound I would think a vulture would make. As I looked toward the light, I tried to rise to my feet but found they would not budge; however, my arms and hands would. I crawled my way to the light. As I approached I could see the little woven box in the center of the patch of light. It called to me 'Maw, Maw, Maw,'¯

Once the box was in my hands, I could feel whatever was inside struggling to get out. The sound it made became more frantic. A razor sharp beak of cloudy gray punctured through the side, drawing blood from my palm. Shrieking in pain, I dropped the box before my face. The beast inside scraped at the walls for its freedom. Soon I could see beady eyes, stained blood red, peering back at me. That was the last thing I saw, as it scurried free from its prison and darted for my eyes. I could feel the sockets of my eyes hollowed out in one quick squish of the bird like creature's beak, as it feasted on one eyeball after the other. I felt the warm blood stream down my face as I awoke.

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Comments  
Cherley Comment by: Cherley - 2007-06-12 09:57
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Great story, but I thought maybe she was the rightful owner and was a little disappointed that she wasn't.
You started two sentences back to back with The old man=The old man snickered as I asked if I could take a look, telling me only its rightful owner could look upon it. =
I liked it better as not a dream and it if wasn't a dream she would be awake before then. =I felt the warm blood stream down my face as I awoke.=Overall I liked it and thought it original.
Robert Barlow Comment by: Robert Barlow - 2007-06-04 09:39
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Glenn, I like how you built the suspense in this piece. You could easily expand it into a larger work. --Robert Barlow
zepol Comment by: zepol - 2007-04-26 05:59
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Glenn, I like the monster in the box idea and I must agree with ripleym. I think you should have focused on the box. I did find the piece a little choppy but sometimes we do this because we want our readers to feel the emotion of the piece (chaotic writing can instill the emotion of chaos etc.) I do like the overall idea.
Quigley Comment by: Quigley - 2007-03-08 08:35
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Couple of suggestions:
1. The last sentence is trouble somehow. I am not sure if he was dreaming all this or did he wake up after being out cold after the attack?
2. You say "I could feel the sockets of my eyes hollowed out in one quick squish of the bird like creatureā??s beak" this has trouble too.
It would be better to describe how it felt. It would also be good to say how the creature was able to get not one but BOTH eyes without you doing anything to stop it. Perhaps say "Its crimson eyes paralyzed me with fright, as one by one it ate my eyes from my skull." Ok maybe dont say it THAT way but maybe this gives you an idea of how to put it.
Good job overall!
karjon Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-03-06 12:16
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Oooooh - nasty, especially the eye squish part.

I've read the other comments and have to agree with all suggestions made - especially show not tell - but still a good flash.

Cheers

Karen
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