'Lucy; that's what he used to call me. She thought it was funny, what with me being his first and most trusted. I miss that.'�

Those were the first words spoken when I broached the subject of God. Not the first subject talked about for obvious reasons, but when you get the interview of a lifetime you don't forget the big questions. This was the Devil after all, and I was going to get the story.

Punishment.
Looking less intimidating than I expected, the Devil greets me at the front door and personally leads me to his headquarters. Looking around what I can only describe as his offices, I find myself strangely disappointed by the lack of flames, and torture equipment.
'What do you see?'� He asks with a big grin. As I describe drab grey walls and unassuming black doors, the Devil nods approvingly before speaking again. 'Well it seems you don't have to worry;'� adding with a laugh 'not for a while anyway.'�
Feeling more anxious than when I entered, I am shepherded into a small office and bidden to sit. As he adjusts his impeccably fitted Pierre Cardin suit, he starts what is to become a recurring theme throughout our dialogue; anticipating questions.
'Oh don't look so worried, everybody has the potential to end up here; all I'm saying is that if you can't see anything specific you haven't done anything that warrants my attention.'�
'My domain, Hell if you prefer, is not a tangible entity like your world, but instead a swirling force of creativity sculpted by the evil inside its inhabitants. For example; if you happen to be ' I don't know, a racist let's say ' your personal hell will be sculpted around your primary motivation for the evil that drove your life. If it was fear of those different from yourself, then your hell will involve being different from all those around you and being repeatedly punished for it. If it was the feeling that those who were different were inferior, then your hell will involve you being at the beck and call of every job that someone else believes is beneath them.'�
Pouring himself a brandy he adds; 'So you see, if all you see is drab corridors, you haven't created a hell yet ' unless your sin is linked with your offices of course, but what are the chances of that. Hell, nobody considers lying a sin anymore.'�
'�Did I mention it's for eternity?'�

Volunteer
Sitting more uncomfortably now, I decide to steer the questioning towards work. Recognising the opportunity to close a long opened can of theological worms, I ask about the nature of evil. Spitting his cigar on the table; his response is both curt and dismissive.
'The nature of Evil? Dear boy, evil has no nature. The difference between good and evil is a line as thin as a choice.'� Leaning over the desk and pointing his cigar in my direction, his tone becomes more serious.
'Let me clear up a little misconception you have in your world; I did not create evil. I serve evil, but someone more powerful than I created it ' although she prefers to call it free will. You have that wonderful story of Eden and my little snake trick, but what you fail to remember is I didn't pick the apple, I didn't even put it there in the first place; all I did was give you the choice, and you chose. So when I was offered the janitor's position, how could I refuse him?'�
Hearing this revelation debunking the whole concept of evil as we understand it, I was left pondering a couple of questions; why was it considered necessary, and what was Lucifer's motivation for volunteering?
'The answer to the second question is easy ' although volunteer paints me a little more altruistic than I actually was ' but before we get to that, let me answer the first question, which is far more complicated; and to do that we have to go back to the very beginning.'�

Genesis
'Before God, before man, before flairs even ' that was one of mine by the way ' there was just space. Now remember, at this point the universe is just a mass of energy with no focus or concept, on the brink of tearing itself apart, but evolution is stronger by far than any deity, and so with a need to create order from chaos, some of the cosmic matter converged to create a grounds keeper of sorts. What you now call God.'�
'Being blessed from 'birth' by omniscience ' that's the ability to know everything by the way ' her first task was taking all the burgeoning energy and making it coherent; making it work. Once that was finished he had the task of creating life on the various budding planets.'�
'The second job on the agenda was to make sure all the planets and stars didn't start crashing into each other. Now you probably think that would be an easy task for God, right? Let me tell you something, the math involved in getting all those different size objects to coherently float around each other, well lets just say it would take a lifetime to write out the equation, and a millennia to understand it.'�
'Next came the task of deciding which planets were going to have life and making them habitable, followed by the job of putting species' on the planets and deciding their hierarchy. Your planet took a couple of attempts, but that's a lot less than some of the others.'�
Seeing an opportunity to ask a couple of questions, I interject. 'So is there life on other planets?'� The question escapes my lips as awkwardly as my hands fidget during his response.
'I knew you had that question but I didn't think you were naïve enough to ask it. The arrogance of your species never fails to surprise me. Have you seen how big space is? If anybody had created something that big, don't you think they would use the space more efficiently than putting all their eggs in one planet?'�
'And don't even go there with the dinosaurs.'�
Feeling small and ignorant, I apologise for the interruption and decide to keep any further questions to a minimum.

Choice
'Now, if I may continue. With these planets teeming with different life forms, God stood back to see how things developed. Watching these creations tearing each other apart was obviously fun at first ' who doesn't enjoy a bit of televised violence ' but when all the channels are showing nothing but repeats all day, you quickly get bored and realising that before long they would make themselves extinct; she got in first and started again.'�
'The problems these first attempts had, was that they ran on instinct. Instinct, you see, only concerns itself with the present. It has no understanding of the past and no concept of the future. God realised that for his creations to thrive, each planet would need a life form with the capacity to evolve that would take care of all the other creatures, as well as tend to the grounds. But evolution takes more than opposable thumbs and increased brain capacity, it also needs sentience. It needs the understanding that there is always a choice and instinct doesn't always have to be followed; but of course, with those choices come inevitable consequences and this is the reason that all this is necessary.'�
As I take out a cigarette, Lucifer offers me a light as he continues.
'Let me give you an example. I see that you smoke, there would have been a time when you didn't smoke and someone offered you a cigarette for the first time, you obviously said yes to this choice and in doing so played a small part in continuing the existence of the tobacco industry; an industry that kills millions and on top of that you also add the possibility of debilitating health problems to you and those around you, not to mention the tedium of being a slave to an addiction. Choice and consequences.'�
'Now smoking on its own is not reason enough to warrant eternal damnation, but smoking is, at the end of the day, a decision that perpetuates harm to others; and enough of these decisions together will eventually get my attention.'�
'Unlike Santa, I always know who's been naughty.'�

Revelation
'Now, I said that the second answer was easy, so here it is. The reason I volunteered for this position is trust.'�
Puzzled by this train of reasoning, I decide to risk the Devils wrath and request clarification of his comments meaning. His demeanour and posture suddenly take a more sombre gait as his voice becomes heavy.
'Of course I'll elaborate for you.'�
'Every good soul that dies helps to reinforce the spiritual integrity of Heaven and in doing so makes the Almighty more almighty; at the same time every evil soul has the same effect in Hell. As you can imagine with all the ingenious ways you humans come up with to make others lives more miserable, the traffic in my direction has become rather heavier than in hers. This shift in power was something that he knew would eventually occur so she asked the only entity he could trust not to use that power against Heaven.'�
'So there it is; the twist in the tale, the big reveal, the truth. I didn't resent God or turn against Heaven, I loved her and still love him, and my loyalty means that I will never let anything or anyone use this power to undo what she has created.'�
'I know what you want to ask, and the answer is yes. Every single minute of every single day I long for the chance to walk in the wonder of Heavens magnificence again, but it is that desire that reminds me of how important my mission here really is.'�

Twist
Realising how draining the last line of questioning had been, the Devil signals the interview is finished and beckons me to leave. Getting up to leave, I contemplate on what I have just been told and the fame and notoriety that will come with this article. As I open the door to his office the Devil looks in my direction.
'Just one last question before you leave: What would you say is the worst torture for a journalist?'�
I ponder the question for a minute or two and the reply honestly that to a born journalist, the notion of getting the biggest story of their career and not being able to inform anyone of it would probably be unbearable.
He flashes a cheeky, yet sinister, smile at me and then wishes me a good day.
As the office door closes behind me, the feeling of despair and futility that hits me is palpable as I realise what has happened and come to terms with my situation.

Eternity IS going to be a long time.

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