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Once Bitten
I found myself in my neighbor's house surrounded by snakes. Every direction I turned, I saw snakes. Rattlesnakes nestled coiled on chairs, cobras hung from lamps, and vipers hissed their ropy way through the staircase railing.
I couldn't draw a deep enough breath to scream. I didn't normally have a fear of snakes, but this many snakes was something else completely. Their bodies bended and their tongues fluttered, and the raspy sound they made seemed to say, 'You can't escape.'
As I tried to look in every direction at once, keeping whatever distance I could from these vessels of venom, I was shaken to discover that my family was also being held captive in this place. What was once a comfortable seventies refuge of shag carpet and warm fake wood paneling was now a chilly den of sizable serpents.
I took a step toward my brother in the far corner. The second I began to move, my neighbor's living room became a minefield. My brother's desperate eyes connected with mine and he mouthed my name. The snakes drowned out his voice.
My brother decided to leap. He took three of the biggest steps he could and his sneaker soles met fuzzy carpet on each one. A cobra threw itself long at his ankle and missed. He arrived at my circle and we grabbed each other.
I heard my mother's voice and turned. She had made it outside; she was standing on the back deck behind the dirty sliding glass door and she was calling for us.
'Come on!' she called, her voice muffled. 'Run!'
We went for it. We zigzagged crazily across the floor, dodging leathery bodies as we went. Mouths opened, necks stretched; I was a highly desired moving target and the snakes were going to make sure I knew it.
My mother slid the glass door down its tracks as my brother and I drew near. She reached in, and with a mother's strength she yanked us outside by the arms.
Relief came over me; I tilted my head back and smiled and breathed, and just before I shouted with joy, I felt a pair of fangs curving smoothly into my leg.
Black velvet curtains came rippling down and took all of me.
Then my dog woke me up, begging for her breakfast.
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Good story, well told, though probably not one for ophidiophobics.
To make it more powerful, I'd recommend using the present tense. |
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Nice ending. :)
You write a lot of your sentences in the passive voice. Which is fine, but short stories seem to like active voice better. I offered a suggestion below as an example.
Suggestions/Thoughts:
"Every way I turned there were snakes." - Maybe 'everywhere I turned' or 'each way I turned' works better?
Passive v Active
"Their bodies were bending and their tongues were fluttering, and the raspy sound they made seemed to say, 'You can't escape.'?" - maybe break this up into two sentences. Give it more punch by saying "Their bodies bended and twisted as the tongues flickered. The raspy sound they made seemed to whisper, 'You can't escape.'?" - ok, so my idea here is a lot different from what you wrote. But hopefully I sparked some ideas in how you can add little things to your sentences to bring it a bit more to life.
Thanks for sharing,
john |
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| very nice liked it |
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| Well, I happen to like snakes, even some of the scary ones that can kill you pretty quick. I just know to keep far enough back from them. That said, I'm not sure I'd handle being pursued by so many in such a tight space, but for family, I can say that I would sure as hell try to get them all out alive. Nice story, good description as well. |
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Comment by: - 2007-04-20 12:00
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Mad dream!
I once had a dream that I was being chased round a house by Tom And Jerry.
Freaked me out good and proper. |
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