 |
 |
 |
| |
Emotionless
My clothes are soaked,
Oversaturated with rain.
My body is cloaked,
But so is my pain.
It's locked inside me,
Deep down in my heart.
I've thrown away the key,
So I've done my part.
The rain is falling,
Much harder than before.
I hear your voice calling,
But I slammed the door.
I feel no anger.
I feel no pain.
I don't feel your dagger,
That has stabbed me plain.
I feel no happiness.
I feel no hate.
I feel no sadness.
I don't believe in fate.
I'm frozen to the bone,
And I have no feeling.
My heart is now stone.
Nothing seems appealing.
I have only one friend,
Who will always be.
He'll be with me until the end,
And that friend is me.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: Kav Online- 2007-10-04 06:26
|
|
| I loved the choice of words, rhyme and flow in this piece- nice work. Thanks for an enjoyable read! |
 |
Comment by: Teri - 2007-04-06 21:16
|
|
Not a forced rhyme in the bunch. Great job, David. I usually hate rhyming poetry, too.
The last stanza really is the key to your piece. Additionally, your flow is spot on as well.
*hugs you again*
Teri xo |
|
|
"Be" in the second line of the last stanza means "to exist" or "to live", both physically and mentally.
In other words, I will be remembered (or hope so) even after I die.
Thanks for your suggestions!! |
|
|
"But I have slammed the door" May work better as "But I slammed the door" just because its come concise.
Same with "That has stabbed me plain" it could loose the has.
"I'm now frozen to the bone,
And I have no feeling.
My heart is now stone.
Nothing seems appealing."
For some reason I'm having trouble with this. I think it would flow better:
"I have no feeling,
I'm frozen to the bone.
Nothing seems appealing,
My heart is now stone."
The last line is really amazing, definitly packs a punch. But I'm a little confused by the second line. It might make better sense as "I have only one friend,/who will always be/with me until the end,/and that friend is me." Plus that would make it more conscise, and bring home the rhyme.
Great job, a really poignant, beautiful poem. |
 |
Comment by: Anne - 2007-03-29 13:52
|
|
Great poem . Sad as it may be I enjoyed reading it . Love your rhyming , Just my style
Thank you for sharing your work with me ( Bookshelved)
Anne |
| 1 2 3 Next |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
