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Comment by: - 2007-05-02 16:47
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| that last line really grounds you. nicely done. very beautiful. |
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Comment by: tcbswan Online- 2007-05-02 13:19
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lovely, thoughtful, introspective verse...especially beautiful the last two lines:
"My senses demanding
I step back and take it all in"
reminds me how easy it is to just be living 'getting on' with life and then one day you are confronted by the sheer beauty of everything around you. your senses as you say so well 'demand' that you stop and take it in. wonder-ful poem! thanks for posting.
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| I loved the feeling of quiet reflection in your poem. Whimsical whim is a nice thought and since one word is derived from the other I found it one of the most interesting lines. I like that juxstaposition with the proceding line of beaten and bruised ground. A feeling of a light and dreamy line grounded by such the damaged and solid image. I agree with Pandora, and loved the ryhme scheme as well. Encorporating a workable rhyme pattern is definately not one of my strong suits |
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| I appreciate the attempt to capture serenity with words, but as a poem there is little original imagery here. I liked "The ground is beaten and bruised"- a example of good language here, but 'whimisical whims' is very flat. |
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I like the feeling of awe you project in this piece. You are able to capture emotions so well. Your piece is very well described except a few minor, perhaps picky points.
The image of the wind "beating" against something doesn't quite work for me.
3rd line, own is redundant.
6th line, I believe a true verb works better than the noun posing as a verb. Perhaps use begins instead of beginning.
11th line. Up is redundant in this construction unless you're using "look up to the skies" as you look up to them in an admiring manner. |
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