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The Fury and the Temptation
As I peered in the darkly lit house, I considered the evidence. My sister had died under the teeth and claws of something whose tracks had led to this quiet residence. Choking down a sob of grief at the memory of her rent body, I tried the back door. It opened with a tiny squeal. My baseball bat at shoulder height, I crept into the kitchen, taking care to avoid the cracks in the linoleum.
If only I had been there in time! But her screams had died suddenly, cut off with a choking gurgle. And as I had reached her body, a low-slung shape with fire eyes and a bristled ruff had darted into the bushes.
This kitchen was very like my own. Even the toaster was the same brand and model. In truth the place looked like a typical bachelor pad, with a plate of stale tortilla chips on the IKEA table. On that table a ragged old leather-bound book lay open. On the pages, one word ensnared my attention: 'Lycanthrope.' Underneath were words in a tongue I didn't recognize. Quietly I read them, sounding them out loud.
And then, the world shifted. I was eye level with the table now, and seemed to have four legs. My tongue snaked out to lick my snout and I realized I was a wolf! I sniffed the air, exploring the air with my newly heightened senses. A musky, sharp odor prevailed, and a stealthy padding made me whip my ruffed head around to the bedroom door. There stood my twin, a wolf equal in size and ferocious aspect. A growl thundered across the space between us.
I answered with my own roar and launched myself at him, ducking under his shoulder check and slashing his paw with my razor teeth. Rage drove me. Righteous anger gave me the speed and ruthlessness to press the attack, even as the other whined and held his front paw aloft. He tumbled to the floor and I was on his throat. His whining turned to a squeal and then went silent as I bit down. His blood flowed over my maw and I lapped at it greedily, a hunger for more of it suffused me. The corpse abruptly rippled into a figure of a young man. My teeth tore open his stomach as rage and blood hunger roared through me. I bolted down soft tissue and slick ropes of intestines as I searched out his liver.
I awoke on the floor much later. Dawn had come and gone, and evening shadows beckoned. Standing up in my human skin I saw the open book once again and a fluttery, pulling NEEDING urged me to read. I remembered the power and the exhilaration - the blood. As my trembling lips formed the now familiar words, one thought remained.
'How long until I become the monster?'
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| I don't know what happened to the the person who gave the first comment but I say THIS IS A GOOD piece and the effort your put to write this, I commend you. It has flaws but its intensity draws a reader like me. I go for the heart and "punch" of a piece. Guess am not so much into technicalities. Great Write |
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Okie, here goes. I really hope you don't hate me for this.
(As I peered in the darkly lit house, I considered the evidence. My sister had died under the teeth and claws of something whose tracks had led to this quiet residence.)
(darkly lit house) reads a little bland. He??s not inside yet, so why not peer through a gritty window? Actually, now that I think about it, a guy who??s been turning into a wolf would likely have his windows well covered. It would heighten the tension and your protagonist??s fear and frustration if he *couldn??t* see in at all.
(My baseball bat at shoulder height, I crept into the kitchen, taking care to avoid the cracks in the linoleum.) Very strong..
(considered the evidence) seems placid. This guy is enraged, thirsty enough for revenge to track *god knows what,* with nothing but a baseball bat.
(had died), strike had. It adds nothing, and it??s poor grammar. (My sister died)
(teeth and claws of something) Hmm, this is just my personal taste and style here, but it seems like you could show his angst and confusion better with, (teeth and claws of? something. Its tracks) this way the reader actually *feels* him struggle to identify it and fail.
(had led to this quiet residence). Lose that (had) again, and (quiet residence) seems clinical and bland. (led me to this silent house)?
(Choking down a sob of grief at the memory of her rent body) This is excellent, so much so I would lead with it, as the first sentence. (I choked down a sob of grief at the memory of her rent body.) My only suggestion here is to give his sister a name and replace (her) with it, making it more immediate and personal.
(I tried the back door. It opened with a tiny squeal.) This seems fine to me.
(If only I had been there in time!) The grammar is way off in this sentence. (If only I??d gotten there in time!) ? (arrived in time!) ?
(But her screams had died suddenly, cut off with a choking gurgle.) suggest (Her screams died, cut off with a choking gurgle.) Had again. You do know you don??t have to keep adding had before your verbs to show past tense, right? The *ed* in died shows past tense very well. (by a sudden choked gurgle. As I reached her body, a low-slung shape with fire eyes, and a bristled ruff darted into the bushes.) ?
(a low-slung shape with fire eyes, and a bristled ruff) Very descriptive and vivid.
(This kitchen was very like my own. Even the toaster was the same brand and model.) (This) seems too present tense. (was very like) passive and awkward, how bout resembled? Nice touch of foreshadowing here.
(In truth the place looked like a typical bachelor pad, with a plate of stale tortilla chips on the IKEA table.) (In truth) seems wordy and unnecessary. I love the chips and the Ikea table. Nice touches. Shouldn??t he be searching for signs of a vicious dog?
(On that table a ragged old leather-bound book lay open.) No need to tell us of the table again. Suggest (Next to the chips a ragged, leather-bound book lay open.) You can imply the book??s age later, in a sentence not so crowded with adjectives. If reading the words in the book actually *turns* the main character into a werewolf, then you should hint at that. Have him disinterested in the book, and some power emanating from its yellowed pages, force him to it. Hee! That would work the book??s age in too. BTW the idea of a book that powerful is cool!
(On the pages) not needed, we can figure out that the word was on one of the pages.
(one word ensnared my attention: ??Lycanthrope.? Underneath were words in a tongue I didn??t recognize. Quietly I read them, sounding them out loud.) Nice.
(And then, the world shifted. I was eye level with the table now, and seemed to have four legs. My tongue snaked out to lick my snout and I realized I was a wolf! ) (seemed to have) is too passive and wordy, how bout (on). Feels like there should be some shock or even brief panic here.
(I sniffed the air, exploring the air with my newly heightened senses.) The air doesn??t need repeating. (exploring it) ? (newly) doesn??t seem necessary. We get that turning into a wolf is new to him.
(A musky, sharp odor prevailed) prevailed? Seems like the wrong verb here. (overwhelms) ? (A sharp musk) would be stronger without telling us it??s a odor.
(and a stealthy padding made me whip my ruffed head around to the bedroom door. There stood my twin, a wolf equal in size and ferocious aspect. A growl thundered across the space between us. ) suggest (My ears detect stealthy padding behind me; I whip around to face my twin, a wolf equal in size and ferocity. His growl thundered across the space between us. ) Can he smell his sister??s blood on this wolf? It would certainly add to his rage, giving him an edge.
(I answered with my own roar and launched myself at him, ducking under his shoulder check and slashing his paw with my razor teeth.) suggest (I answered with a snarl of my own) roar threw me, I??ve never heard a wolf described as roaring (and launched, ducking his shoulder check and slashed his paw with my razor teeth.) ??rending?? might be stronger.
(Rage drove me. Righteous anger gave me the speed and ruthlessness to press the attack,) Show, don??t tell. What if he simply thought his sisters name, just before ripping her murderer??s throat out? The reader would infer the rest.
(even as the other whined and held his front paw aloft. He tumbled to the floor and I was on his throat) Start a new sentence with (The other) shorter sentences propel the reader through the action faster making it more thrilling. Since (whined) is repeated (yelped) ? (front paw) paw is repeated too (foreleg) ?
(His whining turned to a squeal and then went silent as I bit down.) suggest (squeal, then silenced as)
(His blood flowed over my maw and I lapped at it greedily, a hunger for more of it suffused me.) Jugulars gush, flow is too slow. New sentence with (I lapped greedily, hungering for more.)
(The corpse abruptly rippled into a figure of a young man.) Nice. No moment of shock or dismay in his human mind? Before the beast takes back over?
(My teeth tore open his stomach as rage and blood hunger roared through me. I bolted down soft tissue and slick ropes of intestines as I searched out his liver.) This is another good place for show, don??t tell. Have him flash on his sister again. Perhaps as she was alive and happy this time? Then (My teeth tore open his stomach. I bolted down soft tissue and slick ropes of intestines as I searched out his liver.) Very visceral. ?
(I awoke on the floor much later. Dawn had come and gone, and evening shadows beckoned. Standing up in my human skin I saw the open book once again and a fluttery, pulling NEEDING urged me to read. I remembered the power and the exhilaration - the blood. As my trembling lips formed the now familiar words, one thought remained.
??How long until I become the monster??) suggest (until I kill again.) |
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Comment by: - 2007-03-24 20:17
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I really liked this piece but the whole time I was wondering why it wasn't longer. Finding the sister dead came so fast I was a little shocked at the abruptness. And I wanted more detail in the readings of Lycanthrope and the fight and change...But then I read your little comment down here and I see the reason.
YOu did well with the words you were allowed, but now I'm wondering, if since the challenge is over, if you'd want to go back and write a longer version... for me? For yourself? It just seems like a good story that deserves to be developed.
~Best Wishes~
Jenn |
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Comment by: ripleym - 2007-03-09 14:11
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Hi Josh, and thanks for taking part in the challenge.
First thoughts, the second part of this story was REALLY strong. I loved the descriptions of the 'turning' and the wolf fight. You ended it really well too, pulling a twist of the monster within each of us.
You wanted some advice on what to drop. Permit me to offer some ;)
'No key was needed' - drop this, as you tell us in the next sentence that the door opens.
'ranch-style' - is this relevant to the plot? No? Get rid!!
'leather of some sort' - how many types of leather are there?!?!
Do you get the point of all these comments? They may sound pedantic and anally retentive, but seriously, for a good piece of flash only give us what is entirely necessary. I hope this helps you, I'm not nitpicking for the sake of it.
I mentioned at first that the second part of this was strong. Much of the first part I thought was extraneous to the plot. That is where you could really trim this. Focus on the moment that you want to capture, and drip feed a few relevant clues in to build the story.
But overall, I really enjoyed reading this, so thanks once again for taking part.
Mike. |
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Comment by: Quigley - 2007-03-08 07:43
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Yes, I know it's not under 500 words, but I wanted to keep the feel of it and I couldn't make an objective decision on what to cut. If you have suggestions of parts to leave out, that are unnecessary or don't contribute to the story, please comment! Content-related comments welcomed as well! Thanks in advance,
Josh |
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