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sunshine
Emma Quinn
United States

Words: 301
Access: Public
Comments: 9

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Mimi Steals the Show--story

Amelia Austin grew up in an empty house. While her parents were at work, or at dinner parties, little Amelia played with dolls and the old babysitter slept. Her parents would be off on business trips and 'we need some alone time' holidays while Amelia drew pictures of a happier family.

Amelia Austin grew up alone in the corner of the cafeteria where no one looks, eating a lunch she made herself. She was invisible to students in her understated clothes and subtle actions. She was invisible to teachers in the middle of the classroom, obediently doing her work. She sings softly with the Bare Naked Ladies as she drives home, and even alone, Steven Page steals the show.

Amelia Austin never had a chance to finish growing. She decided she'd had enough talking to her parents through answering machine messages. She decided she'd had enough knowing names of kids who didn't know she existed. Amelia wanted to see what was all the fuss, so she ditched her car and hopped a bus. She thrust her ticket at the man behind the wheel. The mild driver smiled at the girl he hadn't noticed.

Amelia found an apartment in the city, and found a guy who called her pretty. She ripped her skirts and cut her shirts and bought go-go boots so high they hurt. But they pass her knees, and come in three different colors. She smiles at the cashier and says her name is Mimi, to anyone who asks.

So now she dances on the stage while the unknown band plays and nobody can look away as Mimi steals the show.

And everyone is staring, while the music is blaring and the other girls are glaring. As Mimi steals the show.

As Mimi steals the show.

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Comments  
nonalienabductee Comment by: nonalienabductee - 2007-05-31 07:40
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Oh, this is really, really good. Feels like poetry, flows like water, and reads like a sharp story.

How odd, though, that everyone else has been calling it "fun." It seems terribly sad to me. All her life, Amelia looked to others for her self-respect and confidence. She finally gave up on her parents and ran away from home, only to be caught up in the same web of self-destruction. I imagined the last few lines said in the saddest, most desperate whisper.

She dances in pain, in those "go-go boots so high they hurt. But they pass her knees, and come in three different colors." and the boys tell her that she's pretty.

Poor Mimi. You steal the show, but does anybody know you at all? Do you even know yourself?

Great stuff.
logicustracticus Comment by: logicustracticus - 2007-05-30 14:06
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Yup prefer your short storys (flashes) to your poetry...they flow a lot better
Ash19640 Comment by: Ash19640 Online- 2007-05-28 11:23
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Like the change of mood after the name change to 'Mimi'. Best line: 'Amelia Austin grew up alone in the corner of the cafeteria where no one looks' // repetition of 'Amelia Austin' is effective, esp. when you drop 'Austin' at the start of paragraph four, to signify her independence. These are subtle touches and I appreciate the 'something extra' you put into your writing > makes me read them over ! :)
Comment by: - 2007-05-07 17:18
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Thanks for the advice and this is really amusing I like it, it has a little beat to the ending too. I only get a little bit confused at "The mild driver smiled at the girl he hadn't noticed." But overall it's really good.
Juan2 Comment by: Juan2 - 2007-05-02 18:03
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Fun and somewhat naughty little story. It was a good idea and an entertaining read, I've still got a bit of a grin on my face from how lil' Amelia turned out.

Only little niggle is the transition of the second and third sentences in the first paragraph. It's the repetition of "her parents" that does it in for me, that fact that they are "off" doing something again but the wording is the same so it's a little jarring.

I actually liked the repetition of "as Mimi steals the show" in the last 3 paragraphs. Wrapped it up in a little rhythm for me, musical, kinda like what was probably playing on stage at the time... there I go, grinning again...

A fun little story, amusing and rebellious, different. Enjoyed it a lot.

Happy Writings.
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