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Delay
The conductor,
Fists crossed in the air
Face condensed
Stands on tiptoes
On the platform edge.
Shouts to the driver,
Stop, STOP!
As loudly as his lungs will go.
Time is slow
No, train. No.
It stops.
A metre before the man
On the tracks.
We at the station don't talk
About the smoke
Rising from your body
Like an extinguished fire.
Your friend jumps after you,
And we shout constructive advice;
Do not pull him from the tracks. His skin will stay stuck
And you will tear his flesh apart.
He doesn't pull.
He Pumps, Pumps, PUMPS,
Hard on your heart.
And the heart;
It will not pump.
As the smoke rises,
You lie there. Still.
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The poem did strike me at an odd, with the feel of the words didn't quite give a tempo to the verse, but all in all this could be given a lift:
You've got the conductor, correct, but I'd also change driver to engineer...
"It stops" needs more language, like for example:
A screeching
Halt, Halt!
We at the station don't talk
This just needs reworked completely...
We at the station are silenced
or
We are at awe to the horrific event
Just a few pointer to give this detail and more action...
Not feeling the rawness as if an eye witness to the event...
Glen Yumang Manese |
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| I think you handle the shock and panic of seening a horrific site, and feeling the worry and concern, you could add more of a emotion, and the detail of the enviroment and it will bring it all together , other than that it is a good rough draft, keep going you have a natural talent would like to read more of your work |
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| strangely unique but i couldnt really feel the mood your trying to create. Still its interesting works and i like it. |
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Comment by: Huffy - 2007-05-11 08:28
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I got this straight away in that I have been delayed by a suicide on a train track and was apalled at the reaction of some fellow passengers as well as feeling strangley detached from it all - when even the loss of a life wasn't enough to shake some people out of rushing to work even for a little while.
It may be pragmatic but it works on another level because it gave me back that feeling of detachment for a little while. |
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| No metaphor; its about watching someone die at a train station. My poetry is fairly pragmatic. It requires little interpretation! |
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