[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: Thula7 - 2008-03-01 20:38
|
|
| Ok, this was hard to read. I think you could clean it up, and it would still be an effective rant. (I agree that it sounds more like a blog than a first-person view point story.) It sound like you are very young, not a slam by any means, but the young age of the mc comes out in the story's voice. With some work this could be really good. |
|
|
Hm... let me be honest..
it's not a story, it's a blog.
And I don't know if it's a writing rule of thumb or not... but I really get distracted when you start a sentence with a thought and end it with a question. It needs more description as well. I think that this is a great brainstorm for a story, but I think that if you pick a particular situation and describe it to us, as an audience we will understand your point without having to be told what your point is.
:( I'm not trying to be mean, I promise :) If you take your concept and apply it to a situation real or make believe I think it would be so much better. |
|
|
| Your story is nice, but if you want to be taken seriously and have true criticism of your work so that you may improve your writing skill, you need to type correctly or at least use spell check. But as I said at the beginning I liked your story. |
|
|
| i love "in love". it's so true. |
|
|
| that's so cool. i love that story. you just proved the point that our people have wanted to make for a very long time. |
| 1 2 Next |
