The MRI today brought both good news and bad. 3 of the lesions have shrunk on my brain and 1 has grown tremendously. The VEP (a visual perception test) left me feeling like I was on a combination of pcp and que ludes. I kept bumping into everything on my left side. I just told the nurses and techs that I was out of alignment today and pulling toward the left. They got a kick out of that. They also did an ultra sound on my bladder today, 1st full and then post void. They said that my bladder is not emptying completely. Common in MS. It seems either I can't urinate or I have to go RIGHT NOW and occasionally I leak. Also common in MS. I was thrilled about the 3 lesions shrinking and concerned about the one that seems to be growing. It takes up a good share of 3 of the lobes on my left side. I'm just rattling, trying to muddle through...it helps to know someone is listening. I know I act silly and even non-challant about what goes on with my body, I guess it's just my way of surviving. In the corner of my mind there is always the picture of Annette Funniccello, and Richard Pryor. several others I can think of do you remember squiggy? "Laverne and Shirley" Well he has Ms also. That's why he falls down so much, and also the reason why he basically quit acting after the wrap up of Laverne and Shirley. He began to have trouble with his cognitive thinking (oh, and how...I do really understand that). There are moments when I just want to go back...feel human...alive...strong...The knowledge that, that could never happen is daunting to say the least. I feel though that I must keep hope alive. If I don't...What's to live for? I use to run 5 miles a day, and now I make jokes about walking like I'm drunk and bumping into walls. The 3 lesions shrinkig say yes, there is hope, the one growing leaves me to wonder. I have always been a firm believer that there is nothing I can't overcome and then came MS. I can honestly say I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. The Bible tells me I "was" healed 2000 yrs. ago. Is my faith not great enough? Am I too impatient. I know that all things work together for good to those who love God and and are called according to his purpose. I have seen the good in even this, and yet I want to run 5 miles a day again, I want to play in the sun (heat does some really nasty things to my body) I haven't been able to spend much time outside during the summer in 5 yrs. GOD all I want to do is LIVE. Tomorrow I will wake up and all that I'm feeling right now will be pushed aside...I'll put another smile on my face and survive, but for this moment I take off the mask and reveal to you this piece of me I hide. This piece of me that even for those who can see me in living color...never spy.

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