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flashganesh
kate gordon
Australia

Words: 327
Access: Public
Comments: 4

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Rainy's morning - The Book of Crow Part One

Rainy's head was full of dragons. They were the easiest. They were big, so they took up lots of space, and if you tried to turn away from them, they growled at you, and breathed fire, and made you keep looking. They were also loud, so you couldn't hear, as well.

You could still feel the pain, just a little bit, but Dragon fire pain is good pain. It makes you stronger. It makes you a hero. Rainy knew that, so she didn't mind the pain.

Mr Priestly said that Rainy should tell him. He told Rainy she should name names and not be afraid of them. It wasn't weak to tell people, Mr Priestly said. They were the weak ones. They were jealous of Rainy, that's why they did it. Because she was smart. Because she could write well and the teachers liked her. Those were good things. Rainy shouldn't be ashamed. She should tell him which ones they were. What their names were.

So Rainy told him:

'Darvfarius Greenveld' (he was the big, olive-coloured one with the little blue horn on his nose and the eyes like emeralds).
'Smigloppitus Maroony' (the smallish, purplish one with the funny laugh, who blew pink smoke when he hiccupped, and said she was 'cool').
'Jammymee Turkwoise' (she was the tiny, blueish-greenish one with the long eyelashes, which she sometimes burned accidentally with her fire).
'And Goddira Greyvenite' (the hugest of the lot ' a girl, but even tougher than the boy ones. She was the colour of iron and just as tough, and had long claws, like daggers).

Mr Priestly sighed.

'You must tell me, one day, soon, Rhiannon. I can't help you until you do. Now, get to the sick bay. Nurse Jennesis will put a bandage on that nasty cut. Stay there as long as you need.'

'I won't miss English, Sir. I'll be there. I'll make sure.'

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Comments  
caseysmom Comment by: caseysmom - 2007-04-20 21:18
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I was very confused. There are so many thoughts that were started in the middle instead of the beginning. I think if you worked on transition and description it would be so much better.
nivipooh Comment by: nivipooh - 2007-04-10 23:48
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Its a good story and I feel it had good names very innovative.

Though a little confusing when u
said "??You must tell me, one day, soon, Rhiannon. I can??t help you until you do. Now, get to the sick bay. Nurse Jennesis will put a bandage on that nasty cut. Stay there as long as you need.?"

Was she going to a clinic or Medical room in her school and what did Mr priestly want to know more from her?
spacedlaw Comment by: spacedlaw - 2007-03-29 23:04
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Let's see if I got this story right: A child being bullied at school and thinking of his oppressors in terms of dragons ?
Interesting character.
I think the second "He" in "He told Rainy He should name names" should be a she (I got confused about who that second HE might be).
TommyTaylor Comment by: TommyTaylor - 2007-03-29 17:31
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I enjoyed this story. A few corrections will help.
In this sentence - Mr Priestly said that Rainy should tell him. She told Rainy she ?? You say ??Mr.? and then in the next sentence you use the word ??she? twice when referring to him.

What their names were.- change to What were their names.

So Rainy told him: - change to, Rainy looked at him, started at the ceiling (or off into space) and then began.

??You must tell me, one day, soon, Rhiannon. I can??t help you until you do. ?? I don??t understand that sentence, because Rainy just told him.

Now, get to the sick bay. Nurse Jennesis ?? sick bay is on a ship, I thought this was taking place in a school, find another word that you like.

I know lots of comments, but it will not take much to make this story a better one.
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By flashganesh

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