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this poem needs more horizontalness. i think there are way too many breaks incorporated here too.
Sometimes...
so close on the
edge almost feeling a hint a
touch breaking in breaking down
fracturing the foundation then I
remember safe is boring hurt is chance alone
is
wiser
Quick moments open
seen exposed retreat
too much
revealed must conceal my reflection secret longing
Run away...
cut fracture
forget push off can't
breathe Not
wanted...
you're still here in this place my
space sanctuary Detached...
leave get out go away You
do not want
me I am broken damaged flawed
so scared so frightened
don't leave I am
contradiction |
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| Well done. Sounds like I feel at times. Thanks for sharing. J |
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Comment by: Dante - 2008-04-27 16:26
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I love the visceral nature of this poem. The word choices were great and they flowed very well.
My only crit is that I believe that you could get away with leaving the last line out. By simply saying, "don't leave", the reader will understand that you contradicting yourself. Just a thought. Thanks for sharing, D. |
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Comment by: mitra - 2008-04-26 20:35
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| the vulnerability in your writing is what always gets to the heart of the reader. never change. glad to read your work again. :) |
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Hi! Long time since I read or commented on anything. Reading this, although its painful, made me smile because you have grown as a poet. And I simply love this piece.
The emotion is so strong that it just pushed me forward along its tumultous path. Thank you for sharing this, I enjoyed it. |
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