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leighalexander
Leigh Alexander
United States, NY, New York

Words: 369
Access: Public
Comments: 7

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Exit, Last

(This should follow upload Exit, 1, as it's a later chapter in the same incomplete work.)

We are sitting on the edge of the glass sea. We hardly even know one another, but we're both human, so that's enough.

Lanie's sneakers don't touch the gravel and dust. She dangles her feet from the edge of the rusted scaffolding, swings them back and forth, beats her white rubber heels against the brick. We are all yellow and white; the sun is wan, and our hair is washed in dust, washed out. I've become acquainted with her skinny fingers, braced on either side of her now, curled around her little perch like bird claws. Rust or blood under the bitten-down nails; I can't tell which.

It's too hot to talk. No matter how high the sky dome looks, it always feels oppressive. We have to keep our eyes squinted against the shattered blue. A plastic bag blows silently across the broken glass like a white cloud over the ocean. We watch the ironic little tableau as it biodegrades.

I can feel the back of my neck burning, and Lanie says she's hungry. On the other side of the sea, the black hands of skyscraper skeletons are jutting and curling like the fingers of the dead.

'You want to go to McDonald's?' Lanie asks.

'The McDonald's caved in,' I remind her. It's hard to talk, my tongue thick with dust and the strange vibrance of the air.

She's not a child, but she looks like one. 'I wanted a happy meal,' she sighs. The pale sunlight turns her pink lower lip to wax. It makes me guilty to look at her.

'I'm sorry,' is all I can think of to say. There is no one else here for miles, no one else left alive in the city.

She pounds the brick with her heels, she looks out across the sea, squinting her eyes against the onslaught of the sun.

'I'll live,' she says, simply.

A deformed bird stumbles and seizes a few feet away in a desperate dustbath.

Lanie says, 'I think the Burger King is still there.'

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Comments  
searchinggaze Comment by: searchinggaze - 2007-04-30 20:06
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I, too, feel like this story has a surreal tinge to it. However, I think that might be partly your intention (but why am I even guessing the intention of a writer? goodness gracious -- I feel like I've gone back to middle school and should be scolded for that). The diction and imagery do lace it with a bit of surrealism... which, quite honestly, I adore. Can't wait to keep reading.
BethShanFan Comment by: BethShanFan - 2007-04-05 11:05
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I like this too. You have a way of describing things that makes me smile and go, "Yup, she's a writer!"

And I don't know; some seemed a bit unhappy with this part, but I kinda liked the McDonald's/Burger King bit. For me it was the one oasis of familiarity in a desert of unknowns. That in turn causes me to realize that the mystery of this story can yet be solved, that I won't be stumbling around in the proverbial dark forever.
So please, keep at it. I'm looking forward to reading more!
kevingruzewski Comment by: kevingruzewski - 2007-04-02 23:03
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Okay, now that I've read both of them, I'm wondering what has happened in between these two pieces. That's a good thing. All I could really think of saying is dispersing more dialogue into the descriptions to move the story onward. I want to know about these people and what exactly they're going to do about this, well, unpleasant situation they were in. I want to know more about what's going on in the characters' heads. Of course, this is just a fragment of something much larger, so I can't get it all in one little read. And I kind of like the McDonalds thing, because with all descriptions of how dismal everything is, then mentioning something totally familiar to anyone in modern civilization kind of makes it more real.

Keep on it!
--kevin
JDQuinn Comment by: JDQuinn - 2007-04-01 20:53
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I'm into this story, even more so since I'm not quite sure where it's leading yet. Some feedback for you. I sort of felt like it lost me a little the moment McDonalds was mentioned. Until then both Exit 1 and Exit 2 left me with an almost surreal feeling, after then I felt like it was more unreal than surreal. Hopefully that makes sense. You may have a reason for it which I'd be interested to hear, but until then my suggestion would be to consider swapping 'McDonalds' for something less familiar to the reader.
colindardis Comment by: colindardis - 2007-04-01 01:27
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Good write, and great presentational style. It reads like the directions for a short play. I hope you post more work.
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